


Hope

by KO5



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-16
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-01 20:32:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 21
Words: 33,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5219813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KO5/pseuds/KO5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I’m terrified of waking up to an empty bed. I’m terrified of raising our family on my own. I’m terrified of forgetting what it means to love and to be loved. But most of all? I’m terrified of doing life without you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: Gone

**Author's Note:**

> As you probably know, I tend to write angst and heartbreak, but I don't think I've ever written something like this. I will warn you now that this story revolves around a major death, so it will be unbearably dark and twisty. I don't normally like to read fics like this, let alone write them, but I'm challenging myself as a write. I completely understand if you back out from reading this now, but I also really appreciate those who decide to give this story a chance. Please let me know what you think. 
> 
> And without further ado, here's my new fic, "Hope."

_My Hope._

My demanding, stubborn, relentless, outspoken, and badass goalkeeper.

 

My passionate, dorky, adventurous, intelligent, and loving best friend.

 

My better half.

 

The house starts to flood with guests, many of whom I do not recognize but claim to have known her. The buzzing of chatter soon fades into white noise and I quickly realize this would be a long few hours. The service was the easy part. I was left alone with my thoughts. But now there’s this. I’m expected to mingle with those who think it’s alright to rudely barge in on me and my thoughts.

 

The potent aroma of the fresh flowers make my head spin. I begin to count the arrangements and stop myself when I get to ten. I never wanted all these, but everyone else insisted. It’s spring, they said. New beginnings. Plus, the flowers would be fresh. So full of life.

 

Just like she was.

 

My Hope.

 

_Gone._

 

The spark of life in her eyes just suddenly gone.

 

Just like that.

 

When she relapsed just six months ago, they started to prepare us. They explained how aggressive it was and how it would be no more than a year. How there really wasn’t anything else they could. I remember fighting them, including her. I told them over and over again how they were all giving up too soon- how they weren’t even allowing time for a miracle. I stayed true to my faith and prayed every day for a miracle.

 

A miracle that never came.

 

And I’m not sure what to think of that. How could God, if there even is one, be so cruel? I don’t know if I still believe. I want to. But I also don’t want to be standing here alone, in a black dress I swear I will never wear again, contrasted against all the vibrant colors of these dreadful flowers.

 

But I digress.

 

We had these last six months together. We knew this day would come. And yet no matter how many people prepared us for this, I still believe she was taken away from me, from our family, in the blink of an eye.

 

I shake hands with the numerous people in front of me, mindlessly thanking them for their time and thoughts. I actually think I’m doing better than expected until I actually start listening to what people are saying.

 

Many of them begin to tell me I’m lucky.

 

I’m lucky I had the time to prepare myself- “At least this wasn’t a tragic accident and you lost her without warning,” they’d say.

 

Honestly, I think this was worse.

 

I watched her deteriorate before my own eyes. I watched how her runs turned into walks and how her walks turned into laying on the couch. It soon became a chore for her to get out of bed and days would go by where she’d only awake from her exhaustion to smile at me.   

 

I was there through it all and there was nothing I could do to ease her pain. Her suffering. I may have had her for an extra six months, but she had already begun to fade.

 

But people still continue to tell me how lucky I am to have had that extra time.

 

And I want to scream.

 

How dare people tell me that? How could they say I’m lucky?

 

Nothing about this is lucky. Nothing about this is good.

 

She didn’t ask for this. She didn’t want to go. She had so much living left to do. And that’s what kills me the most.

 

Without her, I feel nothing.

 

I don’t know how to live without her.

 

I don’t know how to do this.

 

I don’t know what to do.

 

I feel myself fading into nothing.

 

But a sudden bout of nausea hits me, forcing me to remember that I am something. I feel like nothing and I’m lacking of life, but I’m still here. I can’t tell if it’s the strong scent of those god awful flowers or if it’s the thought of doing life without her that is making me want to hurl, but nevertheless, I make my way to the upstairs bathroom- not the nearest one, but the one farthest away from people.

 

My head is pounding and my breathing is heavy. I kneel in front of the toilet, gripping it like it is the only thing that has the power to bring me peace at the moment. I work myself up into a fit of hyperventilating, realizing that the nausea was just a figment of my imagination.

 

I hear the sound of a door gently latch as it is closed and I look up.

 

“Oh, Kell…”

 

I pull my knees closer to my chest and lean my head against the bathroom wall. Tears are streaming freely down my face as I let my older friend embrace me. There weren’t many people I could stand being in a room with at the moment, but I know that my former teammate is the only one to come close to what I am feeling now.

 

She was her best friend.

 

We sit in silence together until Carli stands up, offering me a hand. She whispers,

 

“Come on, I need to show you something.”

 

I follow her into the upstairs living room and obediently listen as she tells me to take a seat on the couch. I watch as Carli bends down in front of the television, pushing a few buttons here and there. She then hands me the remote.

 

“Press play.”

 

I look up at my friend from New Jersey, completely dumbfounded, but do what I was told. The television stutters before a video begins to play.

 

And I freeze.

 

I didn’t think I would ever see her again.

 

I genuinely feel the machinery of each and every one of my cells come to a halt. My blood stops pumping through my arteries and veins, and I have to remind myself to breathe.

 

There she was.

 

Shifting on a wooden stool, twirling her locks of brown hair, and fixing her favorite color block sweater. She’s really just sitting there, thinking about something and completely unaware that she is being filmed.  

 

I feel like I could just reach my hand out and touch her.

 

I can feel emotion overwhelm me and the tears beginning to return, so I start to prepare myself. I bring myself back to reality. And for a split second, it starts to work. I convince myself that I’m ready.

 

But then Hope looks up, straight into the eye of the camera.

 

Like she was looking straight at me.

 

For me.

 

And suddenly, I’m not ready. I thought I might be, but I’m really not.

 

I realize that I was never ready.

 

Never ready to fall for her.

 

Never ready to start a family with her.

 

Never ready to lose her.

 

 _Never ready to see her again_.

 

Hope continues to stare straight at the camera before the corners of her mouth turn upward into a smile that is so big that I swear it may not fit into the frame of the video.  

 

I realize again that I am not ready.

 

Even though this is just a mere video recording of her, and that she isn't physically in front of me, I still feel my heart beat irregularly. 

 

I am not ready to hear her voice.  

 

But I am most definitely not ready to hear her laugh again.


	2. Video One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hang in there."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your feedback! Sorry for beginning to break your hearts, but here we go again...

The sound of her laugh floods my entire being.

 

Sitting on the wooden stool, she tilts her head and looks beyond the video camera, assumingly at Carli.

 

“Is it on?”

 

“No, it shouldn’t be.”

 

I hear buttons beings pressed and feet shuffling in the background, but my focus is on her. I can tell she’s getting a little impatient. She was never one to just sit around. I hear Carli’s voice behind the video recorder once more.

 

“Oh crap. I’ve been recording.”

 

“Damn it, Carli.”

 

The video shifts and Carli’s puzzled face is suddenly peering into the frame. In the background, Hope rolls her eyes and walks closer, taking matters into her own hand. She sighs heavily at Carli’s incompetence and quickly fixes it before taking her seat on the stool again.

 

“Oh good, the display is working! I can actually see what I’m filming.”

 

Hope rolls her eyes again, but chuckles, “Are you ready yet?”

 

Carli enthusiastically exclaims, “Action!”

 

“Don’t say that.”

 

“Oh come on, I’m just having fun. You know, if I didn’t play soccer, I think I’d be in the film business.”

 

“You’d be a terrible director.”

 

“Oh shut up. Just start talking.” Carli sighs.

 

Hope looks straight at me and her eyes soften into a sad gaze. I almost whisper her name, thinking she could hear me. But she beats me to it first.

 

“Hi Kelley.”

 

And this is the first time I lose it.

 

I grasp Carli’s arm and she pauses the video. She doesn’t say anything, but places her hand on my shoulder in reassurance. I close my eyes. I can’t believe this is happening.

 

I just need a moment.

 

A moment to soak this all in.

 

A moment to soak in that beautiful laugh one more time.

 

-

 

_“Kling?”_

_“Shhh! What?”_

_“I’m getting hot in here.” Hope’s voice was muffled behind her mask._

_“You’re just nervous. You’re fine.”_

_“Kling, I look ridiculous.”_

_“You chose to wear that! If I remember correctly, you said, ‘Nothing is scarier than Darth Vader’!”_

_The two teammates were alone in a pitch black locker room, crouched side by side in the corner near the door that led to the hallway._

_“Maybe this isn’t a good idea.”_

_Meghan whispered harshly, “Oh my god. Don’t tell me you’re getting cold feet now. You planned this whole thing! You have to see it through!”_

_Hope sighed heavily, “Where are they? I am literally sweating in this thing.”_

_“Will you stop complaining and be quiet?!”_

_Ignoring her teammates’ request, Hope anxiously observed, “Kelley is going to kill me.”_

_“That’s the point! Think of all the times she’s pranked us all…she has to learn her lesson!”_

_“I don’t know…what if we really scare her?”_

_Meghan replied, “I know you can’t see me right now, but I’m rolling my eyes at you. Your dork is showing.”_

_“My what?”_

_“Your dork…you know, the one that comes out whenever you’re concerned about a certain defender…” Meghan hinted._

_“What?”_

_“Oh stop acting like you don’t know what I’m talking about. There’s like unicorns and rainbows and butterflies coming out of your mouth when you speak about Kelley. It’s disgusting, really.”_

_“There’s nothing between us!”_

_Meghan stifled her laugh, “Oh please, that’s the biggest lie I’ve ever heard.”_

_Hope pouted, “We’re just friends! There’s really nothing…”_

_Meghan quickly covered the mouth piece of the Darth Vader mask and hushed her friend, “SHHHH! I hear them!”_

_Footsteps were heard down the hallway and as soon as they rounded the corner, the door opened and once the lights flickered on, screams were heard throughout the entire building._

_“WE GOT YOU!” Meghan laughed, capturing an absolutely stunned Kelley on tape._

_“What the hell?!” Kelley looked at her two friends beside her, “Traitors!”_

_Tobin was just about rolling on the ground, “Hey! Serves you right!”_

_Kelley’s face scrunched up in slight embarrassment, but she quickly accused, “What did I ever do to you, Alex?! I’ve never even scared you!”_

_“I’m all for a good prank.”_

_A laugh was heard from inside of the Darth Vader mask and costume. Kelley frowned, “Who’s in there? Syd? Moe?”_

_The mask slowly came off and Kelley’s jaw dropped, “Hope?!”_

_“Gotcha.”_

_Kelley crossed her arms, definitely not pleased. “I can’t believe you’re a part of this.”_

_Hope couldn’t help, but laugh at the pouting brunette in front of her. She turned to her shorter friend, “Meghan, you were right…her reaction was totally worth it.”_

_“You know, Hope wasn’t just part of this- she thought of this all by herself.” Meghan admitted._

_Hope continued to laugh, “Y...you should’ve seen your face…”_

_Kelley watched as the goalkeeper bent over in laughter, almost bringing herself to tears, and as much as she wanted be angry at her teammate, she couldn’t help but smile and succumb to laughter as well. She could get used to making the usually stoic keeper laugh._

_Kelley remarked, “You should laugh more often.”_

_“Is that so?”_

_“Smiling looks good on you.”_

_Hope felt her cheeks flush a soft shade of red as she agreed, “Alright…only for you, Kell.”_

_Watching her repulsively adorable teammates, Meghan coughed exaggeratedly and whispered under her breath._

_“Dork.”_

_Hope glared and Kelley frowned in confusion, “Did you say something, Kling?”_

_Meghan smirked, “Nah.”_

-

 

I open my eyes.

 

Carli takes that as a signal to press play again and the video resumes.

 

“You know, if the tables were turned, I would have smashed the screen by now. I’d probably kill you if you made Carli show me a video like this. It’s ridiculous and stupidly dorky and probably so unbearable to watch. I can’t even begin to comprehend the thoughts crossing your mind right now.”

 

Hope sighs as she ponders deep in thought, a face I’m so used to seeing as she reads. Reading the most thought provoking, and perplexing, books had always been her favorite pastime.  

 

“I really don’t know how you’re going to react to this right now…or how you’ve been handling any of this. Probably not too well. But as much as you want to chuck something at the TV right now, I need you to hear me out, okay?”

 

I feel myself nod in agreement and watch as she takes in a deep breath.

 

“I love you, Kelley.”

 

And I lose it for the second time. I can feel my heart lower itself deeper into the ground.

 

“I love you. I love you. I love you.I could scream this at the top of my lungs. I don’t think I could ever tell you enough, and I don’t want you to ever forget it. I’ve told you this a million times before and if I could, I’d tell you infinite times again. _I love you, Kelley O’Hara._ ”

 

This is too much for me. I want to leave the room. I want to escape. But she grounds me.

 

“I love how you have no clue what personal space is. I love how you’ve torn down my walls. I love how you’ve made me a better person. I love how we decided to start a family of our own. I love how we vowed to take on life together. I love you, and I will always love you.”

 

But that’s the main problem here.

 

I’m terrified, Hope.

 

I’m terrified of knowing the meaning of personal space when I wake up to an empty bed every morning from this day on.

 

I’m terrified of never being able to climb those walls again.  

 

I’m terrified of raising our family on my own.

 

I’m terrified of forgetting what it means to love and to be loved.

 

I’m terrified of doing life without you.

 

Especially when we promised and vowed that never would we do life alone.   

 

-

 

_The venue was small. Just spacious enough for their closest family and friends. With the media speculating and invading their privacy way more than they bargained for, they wanted the actual ceremony to be as intimate as possible. They had chosen the perfect fall day in September to commit to a life together in front of those they cared about the most._

_Kelley held Hope’s hands tightly in her own as she just shook her head in disbelief._

_“Who knew? That’s the question we get the most, right? Who knew? Who knew that Kelley O’Hara could grab the attention of the scariest goalkeeper in the world? Who knew that Hope Solo even had a thing for women? Who knew we were a thing?”_

_Kelley paused and just smiled. “Well, I always knew…”_

_She turned to her side, looking down from the altar towards her sister, “Right, Erin? What was the first thing I said to you after coming home from my first national team camp? Do you remember?”_

_Erin smiled at her sister and nodded, “Of course I remember…you said ‘It’s Hope. She’s the one I’m going to do life with.’”_

_Kelley nodded and turned her attention back to the taller woman in front of her. “And I stand by that today. Hope, you’re the only one I want to do life with. I’ve been chasing you ever since that day and I will keep chasing you. Not once have I ever lost sight of you. I can’t wait any longer for our life together. It’s finally happening and I could not be any happier. I love you, Hope.”_

_Hope squeezed the young defender’s hands affectionately. She then began her own vows._

_“As many of us here know, this…this hasn’t been exactly…easy.”_

_Hope barely managed to get that first sentence out as tears prevented her from speaking coherently. She laughed through the tears, “Wow, I can’t believe I’m the one who’s all emotional up here.”_

_Their friends and family laughed, and Kelley let out a smile. Hope continued._

_“The road to here has been quite the adventure…Kell, I thank God every day that you had enough strength for the both of us. You carried us through all the ups and downs, especially the times I made incredibly difficult for you. I don’t want to dwell on the past, but without it, we wouldn’t be standing here today. You’ve seen me at my worse and you still loved me. And a lot of people know that I’m not an easy one to love. But you did it. You say you stole my heart, but it was never mine to begin with. It’s always been yours, Kelley, and I want you to have it for as long as we do life together. I love you.”_

_The presider continued to speak blessings over the almost married couple, and while the ceremony was beautifully done, Kelley noticed the woman she loved get so impatient with its length._

_Kelley whispered through a smile, “You’re shaking.”_

_Hope frantically turned to the officiant next to them as she blurted out, “Are we almost done? I just want to be married.”_

_The crowd laughed, as did the officiant who just nodded, “Well, good news, you may kiss the bride.”_

_“Oh thank God.” Hope sighed in exasperation as she cupped the younger woman’s face in her hands, bringing her in for the most anticipated, and yet gentle, kiss the two would ever experience together._

_It was the kiss that committed us to doing life together._

-

 

I watch as her brow furrows and a frown creeps on her face. She looks at her best friend behind the camera once again.

 

“God, turn it off, Carli. I can’t do this. This is stupid.”

 

Carli huffs in annoyance. “You’re freaking out.”

 

“No, I’m not.”

 

“Yes, you are…you told me you were going to freak out and that I needed to keep filming. So that’s what I’m going to do.”

 

“Turn it off.” Hope’s demand seethes through her teeth.

 

“No.”

 

Hope looks away and crosses her arms as she remains seated, her jaw clenching in the process.

 

I half-smile. She’s so stubborn. This is one of my favorite expressions- it’s just so her. I’d give anything for her to give me that look again. The joy I experience just thinking about this is short lived. A full minute goes by before I notice her face softening.

 

She’s breaking.

 

Hope tilts her head up in a last effort to keep tears from pouring down, but there’s really no stopping them once they begin to fall. I know.

 

She murmurs, barely loud enough for me to hear.

 

“I hate this.”

 

It’s killing me to see her life this. To see her cry. She’s definitely a crier, but just for little things here and there. Rarely does she actually cry and mean it. This is one of those moments and the only thing I want to do is hold her close.

 

“Why me, Kell?”

 

I hear her plea and I, too, begin to break.

 

“I’ve been asking myself that ever since the day we found out. Why me? I…I vowed to be there for you. We had so much to do still. I hate this. I hate myself for letting this happen…and I want you too as well.”

 

My head shoots back up to the screen. Over the last couple of minutes, I had to look down. I couldn’t bear the sight of her crying any longer. But this. This statement makes me look again. It makes me cringe. I almost yell at her for saying that, but swallow back my anger instead.

 

Never in a thousand years could I hate her.

 

She starts to explain herself.

 

“I need you to hate me. I need you to grieve properly. I know you, Kell…you’re going to everything but that. You’re going to stay strong for everyone, but yourself because that’s just who you are. You’re selfless. Whether it’s acting like none of this happened or using humor to deflect the pain, I need for you to step away from that. I need for you to not be okay. It’s so important that you realize how normal and healthy it is to truly grieve. This is so important to me.”

 

Now it’s my turn to clench my jaw. Hope weakly smiles in reassurance.

 

“It’s okay to not be okay.”

 

I can’t take it anymore and I stand up, displacing myself a couple feet forward. I kneel and place my hand against the multicolored screen- and that’s all it really is. This is as close as we’ll ever get to be. But I still think that maybe- just maybe- if I physically touch her image, I’d feel her touch again.

 

Her smile only widens and she speaks directly to me. It’s like she knows I’m right here.

 

“God, I miss you already…but I know you’re going to be just fine. I love you, Kelley. Hang in there.”

 

The video cuts off and the screen turns black.

 

I whip my head around to face the only other person in the room with me. I feel dizzy again and my breathing irregular.

 

“Th…that’s it?” I can hear my voice strained.

 

Carli nods helplessly. I don’t believe her.

 

“ _Hang in there?!_ That’s the last thing she says to me? That’s it? No…she can’t…that can’t be it. I…I just…”

 

I’m in utter disbelief. Hope was right. This is ridiculous. I want to throw something at the screen before me. But I’ve lost all strength to do so. Because I’m drowning.

 

So desperately trying to stay afloat in a growing puddle of my own tears.


	3. The Five Stages of Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m not Kelley anymore. And I don’t give a damn.

_i. denial._

I’m merely surviving.

 

I’m just getting by. It’s all I can do, really.

 

Life doesn’t make sense anymore. How am I supposed to move on? Can I even move on? What’s the purpose of moving on? What’s the purpose of my life when the one person who made me feel whole is no longer here?

 

It’s been a week since the funeral and the days are only getting longer. I notice myself falling into a routine. 

 

Wake up.

 

Go on a run.

 

Break down.

 

Go on another run.

 

Think of her.

 

Cry until I fall asleep.

 

Repeat.

 

Those who know me well would find this new routine especially odd. I hate structure to my day. One of my biggest fears is being stuck- stuck in the same old routine. I’m more of the spontaneous type.

 

But I sort of like this.

 

Because I don’t have to think about my actions. I don’t have to worry. I don’t have to feel.

 

I figure, if I keep my feelings bottled up inside, there’s no chance of letting them hurt me. If the most exciting part of my day is leaving the house for a quick jog, then so be it. I don’t think I can handle much more than that- especially the kids. Throw the kids into the mix and I’m doomed. My mom offers to stay as long as I need her to and I instantly say yes. I’m in no condition to be a mother right now- I’m barely able to take care of myself.

 

Only let in as much as I can handle seems like a good plan, right? 

 

_ii. bargaining._

It’s been three weeks now. I’m still numb.

 

But I find myself asking certain questions.

 

What if we caught it earlier? Would she have had a better chance to fight it?

 

What if we were more diligent with appointments? Could we have scheduled more checkups while she was in remission?

 

What if we didn’t give up so easily? What if I forced her to do a third round of therapy? The doctors said it was aggressive, so why weren’t we even more aggressive with treatment?

 

If I only I tried harder to save her. If only God gave us the miracle I prayed so hard for.

 

These questions begin to overwhelm me and I find myself surfing the internet for answers. I even entertain the idea of setting some sort of fund. With organizing events like 5K runs or gathering as much donations as possible, I think that maybe helping others in the grander scheme of things- such as finding a cure- might help bring me some peace.

 

But I quickly shake off that idea. I don’t think peace is possible for me right now- maybe not ever. Donating to organizations isn’t going to help.

 

Because that would never bring her back to me.  

 

_iii. anger._

It’s been exactly one month.

 

My mom left just the other day. She said she could stay longer, but I felt bad and thought I might as well start figuring this all out on my own. I thought it was the right decision.

 

I was wrong.

 

Nowadays I’m scared. I’m frustrated. I’m bitter.

 

I don’t know where to start, but I figure that if I start packing some things away, then I’ll feel less suffocated and my mind might have the chance to declutter itself.

 

Alex is in town, and I surprisingly allow her to help. Megan comes along too, only living across the bridge. We don’t talk much. It’s mostly me instructing where I want things to go- what goes in what box. I’m not stripping the house completely of her. Oh god no, I’m not trying to forget. But there are just some things that remind me of how much I’ve lost- things that hurt when I just look at them. One day I might be able to put these things back in their places, but definitely not today. The soccer paraphernalia room is the hardest- the set of golden gloves, the gold medals, the soccer balls, the cleats, the gloves…it’s all too much and I end up just locking that room.

 

I’m now sitting on our bed, sifting through her numerous pieces of clothing. I take each piece, breathe in its scent, and then hand it to either one of my teammates who delicately pack them away into boxes. There’s a few sweatshirts I hold onto though. The ones that remind me the most of her should really be placed in boxes if there’s any chance of me moving on, but this also hurts and I’m just not ready to give them up. We’re about halfway through her closet when a small figure appears in my bedroom doorway.

 

“Hey, buddy. You need something?” Alex is the first to acknowledge him.

 

His voice quivers, “I…I can’t get into the soccer room. It’s locked.”

 

Alex knows I’m not going to be much help, so she patiently asks, “Do you need something from there?”

 

He shrugs, “No…not really. I just like sitting in there. It reminds me of her. Can you open it, Auntie Alex?”

 

“I don’t know, bud…we have to ask your mom.”

 

I flat out reply, “No.”

 

And it’s the first time since entering the room that my son looks at me with the most pained look on his face. But I can’t do anything about it. With my mom just recently gone, it’s really one of the first times I’ve spoken to him.

 

“Wh…why not? I want to go in there.”

 

“Well, the room’s off limits now, alright?” I explain.

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I said so.”

 

My son begins to look around the room and it doesn’t take him long to realize what we had been up to all day. He isn’t stupid. He has his mother’s quick thinking.

 

“Wh…why are you throwing away her clothes?”

 

Megan chimes in, hoping to neutralize the tension, “We’re not getting rid of them…we’re just putting them away for safekeeping.”

 

“But they don’t belong in boxes. They belong in there.” The kid points to the closet.

 

I sigh, “Just don’t worry about this, okay? We’re going to handle it.”

 

“No.” My son defiantly responds, such in a way that I did just moments ago.

 

“They’re going in boxes. I have the final say.”

 

“Can I keep this?” He holds up one of Hope’s sweaters. “What about this? And this?” He holds up a few more pieces of clothing.

 

“I don’t want to find them around the house, so no.”

 

“No?” His lip trembles and he begins to whine, “But Mommy…”

 

“Stop whining…just let it go.”

 

Alex intervenes, cautioning me, “Kell…”

 

“What about this one?” My son picks out a purple and gold sweatshirt. “This is one of Mom’s favorites. Remember? She brings it to the beach every time we go. Can I please have it?”

 

My eyes dart to the item in his hands, and I kick myself for packing away that certain hoodie. How could I box that up? He’s right- it was her favorite. But I’m selfish and snatch it from his hands.

 

“For the last time, no! When will you get it? No!” I hold the piece of clothing close, but the rage is already rising in my chest.

 

“B…but you can’t put this all away! Wh…what if we forget? I wish Mom was here. She’d understand. I just want…”

 

I watch my son’s deep blue eyes pierce me in the same way his mother did every time she was put up with me. They’re too much alike and I lose my cool.

 

“ELLIOT.”  

 

I think I scare him. His shoulders drop and he takes a step back, fear written across his face. But I don’t stop. Something overcomes me and I can’t stop.

 

“Will you just _shut up_?! Guess what? Mom’s not here. She’s gone. There’s nothing I can do about that. I’m sorry. I…I can’t do this with you, and I don’t know if you’re ever going to understand! Hell, you may never understand, so I suggest that you just knock it off and--”

 

Megan glares at me and grits her teeth, “That’s _enough_ , Kelley.”

 

My gaze softens as I realize tears are running down my son’s face. What have I done? I reach out, but he stumbles backwards and runs off. Megan takes off after him instantly. I close my eyes, trying my best to calm myself down. I pray that Alex keeps her mouth shut, but it’s too late.

 

“He’s hurting too, you know.”

 

I blow up again.

 

“Shut the fuck up, Al. I don’t need to hear this from you.” 

 

I curse again and strongly kick the nearest box near me, sending clothes flying in all sorts of direction. I feel completely hopeless and it only frustrates me more. I look up at the ceiling and profanity flows from my mouth.

 

“Look what you fucking did to us, Hope. How am I supposed to handle this shit on my own? You left me alone when you vowed not to. You fucking vowed! Christ…I don’t know how to deal with him. He misses you. I can’t do anything about it. I fucking hate you.”

 

There.

 

Something I thought would never come out of my mouth just did.

 

I finally said it.

_iv. depression._

I wake up one morning and it hits me like a shitload of bricks.

 

I’m not really angry anymore. I don’t lash out as often.

 

But I’m withdrawn.

 

I know something’s changed inside me, and I know I’m going to be like this for awhile. Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin to pull myself out of this mess.

 

I can’t sleep.

 

I get in bed every night and my thoughts suffocate me. I panic about this new life of mine. I cry because the bed is so cold without her. I would do anything to feel her arms wrap around me. Sometimes I get lucky and doze off, but then I dream about her. And that’s the absolute worse. She’s right there and yet so far out of my reach. It’s torture. My dreams bring me to a high, only to strip me of her once again, sending me to a place lower than before.

 

I can’t eat.

 

First, I just don’t have much an appetite anymore. Second, even when I’m hungry, I become nauseous. My stomach is constantly churning just thinking about the predicament I’m in. So what do I do if I don’t eat?

 

I drink.

 

They all say that’s not the answer to my problems. But is there really even an answer? The drinking takes the edge off. I never drink around the kids, but it’s come to the point where I’m purposely pawning them off to friends just so I can spend the day at the bar.

 

I know. I should be spending time with the kids. I should be helping them come to terms with all this- with the fact that their mother is never coming home again. One is too young to truly understand while the other reminds me so much of her that I can barely stand to be around him. He makes me realize how much I miss Hope. He keeps to himself and frankly I don’t even know how to approach him. I don’t know what to do when I hear him crying himself to sleep. I know I should go hug him- go hold him and tell him that everything is going to be okay.

 

But I don’t even believe that myself.  

 

I’m so withdrawn now.

 

I’ve changed.

 

I’m not Kelley anymore.

 

And I don’t give a damn.

_v. acceptance._

I go to a grief counselor- really just to stop my mother from bugging me about it. And just as I had expected, it was the least helpful thing in the world. If you can bring Hope back to me, then maybe you’re worth talking to. But if you can’t, I have no interest.

 

The counselor went on and on about the five stages of grief. Something about denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. I guess it all makes some sense- except for that last one.

 

Acceptance.

 

Ha, what a joke. Is that even possible? Don’t you dare tell me that I’m going to come out of this stronger and that everything will be okay- that one day I’ll accept this as my new reality.

 

What a fucking joke. 

 

I’m pissed. And I need a drink.

 

I finally reach home and open the door with my one free hand, the other gripping hold of a half-empty bottle of whiskey. I look at my watch and realize I’m an hour late, and that I should probably pick up the kids from the neighbors next door. I take one last gulp and send the burning sensation down my throat. I open the door and stop dead in my tracks.

 

Carli’s on my doorstep.

 

From the look on her face, she’s definitely more pissed than I am. But I’m drunk and don’t give a shit. I laugh impishly.

 

“Hey, best frannn!” My words come out slurred, which only makes Carli frown more.

 

Still, she says nothing, but instead holds up something in her hand.

 

A disc.

 

My blood begins to boil. And though I know exactly what it is, the alcohol speaks over my thoughts,

 

“What the _fuck_ is _that_?”


	4. Video Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She stays true to her word and I am overcome by her presence. I feel overwhelmed. Not by grief, not by anger, but by faith.

“This whole time there was another one and you didn’t show me?!” I exclaim out of disbelief.

 

“Living room. _Now._ ”

 

Our conversation is not over, but I roll my eyes and begin to make my way back into the house. We reach the living room and I ask again.

 

“Why haven’t you shown me this? Why did you wait until now? You know how hard it’s been!”

 

“Sit down.”

 

“No.” I say out of defiance.

 

Carli grumbles and shoves me just enough so that I fall onto the couch. “Just sit down.”

 

“What the hell was that for? Get your hands off of me. Who do you think you are?” I warn.

 

Carli ignores me and fumbles with the television just like she did before. I still want answers.

 

“Why aren’t you answering me?! It’s not your right to keep things like this from me! I don’t think you realize what I’m going through right now. I--”

 

I stop yelling.

 

There she is again.

 

I feel my body relax, my heart soften. She speaks.  

 

“Hey, again.”

 

-

 

_Their first fight happened the morning they were getting ready to leave London._

_They had stayed up late together- just talking. It had always been easy to talk with one another and knowing they wouldn’t see each other for quite some time, they made the most of their last hours together. Throughout the tournament, they thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company, growing closer together at a rate that was seemingly impossible. Sparks flew, personal space was no more, and walls were torn down. As they talked into the late hours of the night, Kelley’s feelings were only reconfirmed. They were meant to be together and she couldn’t be happier- until she realized a certain keeper wasn’t exactly on the same page._

_The team just finished breakfast that morning when it was time for many to go their separate ways. Before getting on the bus, Kelley pulled Hope aside._

_“Hey, wait up.”_

_Hope stopped herself and sighed, “Kell, please don’t make this harder than it already is…I’ll see you in a month when we play each other.”_

_Kelley fished into her pocket and pulled out an envelope, “Here, I got you something.”_

_“Did you now?” Hope raised an eyebrow at the younger defender as she warily took the envelope. After realizing what Kelley had entailed, she quietly put the small slip of paper back._

_“So? What do you think? Come home to Georgia with me. It’ll be a nice, quick vacation…you don’t have to stay long, but it’ll give us a chance to spend some time together and we’ll get to spend time with my family, and…”_

_“Stop.”_

_Kelley’s voice trailed off, clearly hurt by Hope’s reaction- or lack thereof. They stood close for a moment of silence before Kelley spoke._

_“Hope, what’s wrong? You’re upset, aren’t you? Please, say something.”_

_Hope looked helplessly at the young brunette, feeling bad for crushing her spirit so quick. She just wasn’t expecting her to make such an offer, to buy her a ticket home. She had enjoyed her time with Kelley, but a small part of her felt uneasy about what they had started overseas. She was supposed to use this break to really figure out what she wanted. She had never felt these feelings before and was slightly frightened of them, but more so of talking to Kelley about it._

_“I…I don’t know if this is such a good idea.”_

_“Come on, we’ll have a great time!” Kelley urged._

_Without thinking, Hope blurted out, “I mean, this is what a girlfriend does!”_

_Kelley gave a blank stare towards the taller woman and took a small step back. She was speechless._

_Regretting what she had just said, Hope sighed, “That’s not what I…”_

_Kelley interrupted, “What am I to you, then? If not your girlfriend, then what?”_

_“Hey now, we never made this official.” Hope took a defensive stance._

_“Well where was this going then?”_

_“I…I don’t know.”_

_“You don’t know?!” Kelley half shouted, causing some of their teammates to look in their direction._

_“I just need some time to figure things out.”_

_“Wait, so you’re saying that this entire time, you weren’t feeling what I was?!” Kelley’s voice only got louder in volume._

_“Look, calm down, this isn’t that big of a deal…Kell, I really enjoyed being with you, but…”_

_“No, don’t tell me to calm down! Hope, what are you scared of?! I…I don’t get it!” Kelley pleaded, and now even more of their teammates were paying attention to their heated conversation._

_“Kelley, please don’t do this here…”_

_Kelley crossed her arms, “No, we need to talk about this….what are we doing, Hope?”_

_Before Hope could answer, Pinoe called from inside the bus, “Hey, Solo, you coming?”_

_Hope looked behind her and by the look on her face, Kelley knew she had been shut out and not another word was going to come out of the goalkeeper._

_“Oh my god…” Kelley’s eyes brimmed with tears, “You didn’t see us lasting after the tournament, did you?”_

_Hope didn’t respond. She didn’t know how to. She also didn’t know how to deal with the young woman crying. She wasn’t good at this._

_Pinoe interjected, “Hope, we’re going to miss our flight!”_

_“Just...hold on. Kelley, please…”_

_“No, I see where we stand.”_

_“Can we just…” Hope lost her train of thought, completely distracted by the fact that she needed to leave._

_By now, it was obvious to their teammates that this was more than a heated conversation- they were arguing. Alex gently approached her friends._

_“Uh, what’s going on? Kell, are you alright?”_

_Kelley sharply brushed a tear away, shook her head and turned around, clearly upset. Hope reached out, but failed to stop her. She cursed, but boarded the bus anyways._

_They ended up not talking for two straight months._

_-_

“You look really shitty, by the way…”

 

I frown. How did she know?

 

Hope admits, “Well I know that I actually can’t see you right now, but I’m sure you look awful. I bet there’s bags under your eyes, you’ve lost some weight, and you’ve probably haven’t washed my UW sweatshirt yet.”

 

I gently touch the purple and gold hoodie I was comfortably wearing. She knew me too well.

 

She sighs. “And I’m sure you’ve started to drink…I hate picturing you like this, but I’m right…aren’t I?”

 

I swallow back my guilt, noticing the stench of alcohol in my breath for the first time. It’s suddenly overbearing.

 

Hope continues, I’m just hoping Carli shows you this before you do anything you regret.”

 

I can hear Carli behind the camera, “Hey, I’ll make sure she sees this in time, okay? I’ll take care of her.”

 

Hope simply nods and goes on, “Anyways, I knew this would happen…you’ve hit your lowest point, Kell.”

 

I sigh.

 

She’s right.

 

She’s always right.

 

And I can’t help but think of another time in my life I’ve felt like this- so low, so broken.

 

-

 

_“Wait, what did you just say?” Kelley just stared at one of her best friends._

_“I asked you what dress you liked better on me.” Alex held up two options in her hands._

_“No, before that.”_

_“Oh, I asked you what I should wear for Hope and Jerramy’s wedding. I mean, their engagement is so freaking short! I know they want a private ceremony and all, but dang, planning a wedding in less than five months? You’ve got to be crazy.”_

_Alex began to ramble, but her voice faded as she realized Kelley had said nothing over the last few minutes. She suddenly covered her mouth in shock._

_“Oh…oh my god. You didn’t know?!”_

_“Th…they’re engaged?” Kelley was left breathless._

_“Kell, I thought she would’ve told you by now!”_

_“Wh…when?”_

_“Two weeks ago…Pinoe told me.”_

_Kelley couldn’t believe it. Everything had started to go downhill after coming home from the Olympics. The fight that last morning in London was just the first of many. They reconciled shortly after, and tried to make the whole long distance thing work, but neither of them were really having it. Kelley of course still believed in them, but Hope gave up no more than a month later. She knew some new guy was in the picture, but she never knew how serious they were._

_Alex’s eyes widened and she softly gasped, “Oh my god, Kell, are you still in love with her?”_

_Kelley was furious now. “Well, what do you think, Alex?!”_

_“I…I’m so sorry.”_

_“You know how special she was to me…how special we were together. I…I didn’t know they were serious. I thought he was just a rebound…I thought…”_

_Alex engulfed her as she broke down in tears. She hugged her tight, thought she knew that there was only one person in this world who could mend her friend’s broken heart._

_Kelley didn’t take it well- nor was she expected to. She was pissed at Hope, mostly at the fact that she didn’t have the decency to tell her about the engagement herself. A few days after finding out from Alex, Hope tried calling. But Kelley refused to talk to her. Now her walls were up. Hope knew she had screwed up, but she still was able to push her feelings aside and go through with the wedding._

_Their marriage didn’t last long._

_They barely reached 30 days before the both of them decided to call it quits. They left each other on mutual terms- no bad blood between them._

_But their short lived marriage didn’t stop Kelley from her downhill spiral._

_In just that month, Kelley had done her best to deprive herself of the woman she loved. But Hope never left her mind- it was impossible for her to just stop thinking about her, and it left her broken. While she was young, she was quite responsible when it came to serious issues like this. But this was too problematic for her and thus she resorted to drinking, knowing it would take her fears and insecurities away in a heartbeat. It was as simple as that._

_The New Year came and went, and while Kelley’s resolution was to move on, she found it a lot easier said than done. It had been a full three months now since she heard from Hope. She heard about the marriage not lasting, but she still couldn’t face the keeper._

_Until that certain keeper literally showed up on her doorstep._

_There was no stopping her now._

_Kelley opened the door, revealing herself to be a drunken mess. Hope cringed at the sight of the usually joyful woman._

_“Just let me talk.” Hope got out as fast as possible, not wanting to give Kelley the opportunity to turn her away._

_Kelley glared._

_“Look.” Hope held up a stack of papers- divorce papers to be exact. “It’s official. It’s over.”_

_“I…I don’t care.”_

_“Yes you do. I know that deep down you haven’t stopped believing in us.”_

_“How the hell do you know how I feel?!” Kelley spat._

_“Because deep down inside of me, I know that I was meant to hold on to that belief. Yes, I know, that what we have should not be solely dependent on just your feelings. Our love has to be mutual. I recognize that. But here I am, telling you that I’m not good at this- that I’ve failed you. However, I also know that I’m standing in front of you telling you all this and that is more than I’ve ever done for anyone. So if you let me, I want to share your belief…your belief in us.”_

_“You…you can’t just…show up here and think…and think that…” Kelley was slowly losing it._

_Hope noticed and stepped forward. “Just let me show you that I am worthy of a second chance.”_

_“I…I hate you.”_

_Hope knew the younger defender was only speaking out of spite, so she touched Kelley for the first time in months and brought her in close._

_Kelley shook with tears, falling limp in Hope’s arms. “I…I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.”_

_Hope felt tears come to her own eyes, loathing herself for making Kelley feel this way. But she was determined to fix this. She just had to._

_“I’m so sorry…but I’m here. I’m here now. And we’re going to make it. We’re going to be okay.”_

_Kelley buried her head into the goalkeeper’s chest and although she repeated her hatred for her over and over again, she knew her words were meaningless._

-

 

“So here’s the deal, Kell.”

 

A newfound authority is found in Hope’s voice.

 

“Tomorrow is a new day. And it’s also the day you’re going to pick yourself up and get your shit together. I know you’re going to hate me for saying that, but I think you’ve done enough hating over these past weeks. It’s time for a change. I know that in my previous video, I told you that it was okay for you to hate me…for you to grieve. But that phase is done now. You need to move on.”

 

What is she talking about? She can’t dictate how I feel.

 

“You’ve reached your lowest point. I gave you space to do that. I let you hate me. But now it’s time for me to help you heal.”

 

Heal? I look at Carli in hope of some answers but she just nods towards the screen as if she’s telling me to keep listening. So I do.

 

“So if you haven’t put two and two together by now, these little videos aren’t stopping here. Carli has agreed to help me record these from here on out in hopes of encouraging you to heal, to accept this new life. I wish things didn’t have to be this way, but I want you to know that I’m here with you, Kell. We’re going to figure this out together- maybe not physically, but I will be here. You’ll know it.”

 

I shake my head at the television. I don’t want to just accept this, but I can feel the effect she is starting to have on me. I feel this new feeling inside of me- one that is up for this challenge, one that wants to grow and move on. It’s not going to be easy, and I know there are plenty of rough patches ahead, but this is a start.

 

Hope’s eyes burn through me once more.

 

“Be patient, Kell. We’re going to get through this. It can only go up from here, right?”

 

And with that, she is gone.

 

But I can still feel her.

 

I just _know_ it is her.

 

She stays true to her word and I am overcome by her presence. I feel overwhelmed. Not by grief, not by anger, but by faith.

 

Faith that maybe I can get through this with her by my side.

 

Just maybe.

 


	5. On The Mend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our children mean the world to Hope, and I need to love them, to be there for them- for the both of us.

Healing takes time.

 

And lucky for me, time is on my side.

 

Just like recovery from an injury, each day is only going to get better. I mean, that’s the goal of course. I don’t think I’ll ever fully “recover” from Hope’s absence. But I’m okay with that. This isn’t going to be a walk in the park, I know that, but I also know that I’m going to be okay if a little bit of my old reality shined through every now and then.

 

And if I’m going to find healing for myself, I need to take the kids along with me.

 

So that’s where I start.

 

My relationship with them has gone significantly downhill since the funeral. Well, I take that back. Rewind to two years ago, when Hope was diagnosed for the very first time. As expected with a long term illness, it took a toll on everyone. That first year was difficult in terms of navigating everything. My focus was completely on Hope- what appointments needed to be made, change of diet, administration of medicine, etc. I just wanted to do everything I could to ensure that she had the ultimate chance at being healthy again. Because of this, I didn’t have the time to give my undivided attention to our children. Hope was better about that, but not me. I was too concentrated on saving the woman I loved.

 

My obsession over getting Hope back to her normal self actually worked. She went into remission a little over a year after starting treatment. We remembered what it was like to smile again, we celebrated, and I felt accomplished. I helped fixed her. It all worked.

 

Until it didn’t.

 

After bringing Hope in for what we thought was the flu, the doctors informed us that it had returned. She was sick again, and this time, so much worse. I remember getting back into the mindset of “I can fix this,” but that didn’t last long. Without my knowledge or input, Hope had consulted her team of providers and they decided on a treatment plan.

 

Or lack of one.

 

Hope didn’t want to go through a second round of treatment. She said it was almost worse than the disease itself- the nausea, the loss of weight, and the fatigue were just a few reasons as to why she didn’t want to give it another go. She also said that she knew this time was different- she’d been having headaches ever since going into remission, and she didn’t think (well she also hoped) that nothing was extremely wrong. But a part of her also knew that maybe the disease hadn’t left her body quite yet, and wasn’t going to. It was too aggressive and she thought she didn’t stand a chance.

 

But I thought she did. Oh, I was more than confident she had a chance.

 

And so we fought.

 

I was mad that she never told me about those headaches. Maybe we could’ve done something about this sooner. I was mad that she didn’t include me in her final decision. I didn’t want to fight, but I just couldn’t understand why she wanted to give up. I knew the treatment had taken a toll on her the last year, but looking at the grander scheme of things, it meant that she’d feel better in the long run. She would forever be by my side. And I was mad at her for just throwing that away in a heartbeat.

 

In retrospect, as much as it pains me, I think I understand. She didn’t want to suffer. It was simply as that, and I should’ve respected that. But I didn’t.

 

So those last six months were spent trying to salvage our relationship, or rather our marriage. I was trying to come to terms with what the near future entailed as well as savor every single moment with Hope.

 

All at the expense of our children.

 

I wasn’t there for them as they watched Hope go through all this. I wasn’t there for them at all. I was too caught of myself.

 

Just like I’ve been doing these past couple months. And that needs to come to an end because over these past few years, they’ve always had Hope.

 

And now they just have me.

 

So I _better_ show up.

 

I stroll down the hallway until I reach a certain bedroom. I walk in and sit on the side of the bed, placing a hand gently on the sleeping boy’s shoulder.

 

“Hey, Elliot?”

 

He squirms, so I try again.

 

“Elliot…”

 

His eyes flutter open and he squints before murmuring, “I thought you were mommy.”

 

I don’t know how to respond, so I just sigh and changed the subject.

 

“Hey, so I was thinking, maybe we could go into the city today. Like we usually do. Just me, you, and your little sister. Does that sound fun?”

 

He just shrugs, not saying a word to me.

 

“Buddy, please talk to me…”

 

I wait.

 

“Is Aunty Carli coming?”

 

I sigh again. Whenever she wasn’t travelling and coaching her club team, Carli would visit as often as possible. More so now since Hope’s gone- mainly to spend time with the kids since I’ve been neglecting them, but I also think she genuinely likes seeing the kids because they’re a part of Hope, her best friend she was never going to see again.

 

“No…she’s in Germany with her team.”

 

Elliot just rolls over, distancing himself as much as possible. It’s understandable. Why should he open up to me when I’ve been so terrible as a mother lately? But I’m turning over a new leaf and force myself to try and reconcile with him.

 

“Elliot, I know it’s been hard these last couple of months…and a lot of that is my fault. I’m sorry. I know you miss her…I do too.”

 

I hear a small sniffle and watch as his back gently shakes as he cries. My heart sinks. He’s hurting in ways that I may not know about, and I regret not being there for him. He’s only six years old, but he understands everything that’s happening. I rub circles onto his back, hoping to calm him down. I try to stay strong myself.

 

“I’m going to get your sister ready…let’s plan on leaving as soon as we can, ok?”

 

There’s no response, but I get up and walk next door. I peer into the large crib and a set of my own eyes are staring right back at me. I smile.

 

“What are you doing wide eye, sweet girl?!” I do my best to make good impression.

 

The little girl giggles and lifts her hands. I pick her up and kiss the side of her head as I murmur,

 

“I love you, Emma.”

 

“Wuv you too, Mama.”

 

I’m silently grateful that she’s too young to truly understand what’s been happening lately. She knows Hope’s missing, and is more confused about it than anything else, but maintains her usual happy demeanor. I worry more about Elliot, who I know is internalizing everything- in the same way that Hope would.

 

We finally make it out of the house and into the city. This was our usual family outing on the weekends, and I’m determined to keep the tradition going. Hope loved Seattle and we made it a goal to expose the kids to downtown as often as we could. Whether it was taking them to monthly exhibits at the Pacific Science center, watching the Reign play at memorial stadium, or strolling through Pike Place, we just wanted to make this _our_ city.

 

We grab breakfast at The Crumpet Shop, a favorite of Elliot’s. He’s still very quiet, and I know it’s going to be like that for a while. It’ll take time for him to warm back up to me. It isn’t because he doesn’t love me, I don’t doubt that…he’s grieving.

 

We walk around for a bit and while Emma points out the beautiful flower arrangements in the market, I notice Elliot wander on his own into a small hole in the wall Italian café. It was Hope’s favorite place to eat. I smile sadly and follow him in.

 

Elliot tugs on my shirt and politely requests, “Can I have a hot chocolate? With extra whip cream?”

 

I fix a little ruffle in his hair and nod, “Of course.”

 

A hot chocolate with extra whip cream- Hope’s favorite drink from here. Coming across as a coffee type of girl, you would expect her to be all over the espresso- but not at this café. She swore by the hot chocolate, claiming they put crack in it because it was _that_ good. Elliot knew this well- the two of them would always stop here after soccer games in the winter.

 

Once Elliot takes the warm drink into his hands, I make a suggestion.

 

“How about we pick up a few cannolis from here for dessert tonight? I was thinking we could make our own spaghetti…you know, the way Mommy used to.”

 

I’m nervous for his response, but I relax as I see a smile form on my son’s face for the first time today.

 

“We’ll make it just like Mommy did?”

 

“Just like it.”

 

I smile and pay for the takeaway dessert. On the way home, we pick up all the necessary ingredients for Hope’s famous red sauce. I’ve never made it before- it was always her specialty, but I figured why not today be the first time I try.

 

It actually turns out alright, but I care more about the time spent with the kids. Elliot became more animated as the evening went on, and his bossy side showed as he claimed he knew more about sauce making than I did. He was Hope’s little kitchen helper, so I didn’t object. Plus, Emma kept me busy with making sure she didn’t make a completely mess of her clothes. I gave up after the fourth stain and just let her run around in her diaper. Her bubbly personality exuded throughout the house.

 

I realize how much I needed this.

 

Our children mean the world to Hope, and I need to love them, to be there for them- for the both of us. I’m still not going to admit it’s going to be easy- I have a feeling Elliot isn’t quite out of the woods yet. And of course, neither am I.

 

We’re just about to have dessert when the doorbell rings. Elliot runs out of the kitchen first.

 

“Hey, buddy, wait up…” I quickly get out of my seat, hoping he wouldn’t answer the door to just anyone.

 

As I come into view of the door, I see Elliot jump into a woman’s arms.

 

“Aunty Carli!”

 

“Hi, Elliot! How are you?”

 

“I thought you were in Germany!”

 

“I came home early just for you!” Carli hugs her godson in return, and I can’t help but thank the heavens that she had been a constant in the kid’s lives while I hadn’t been.

 

My former teammate turns her attention to me.

 

“Hey, Kell…you’re looking a lot better.”

 

I cut to the chase.

 

“You have another video to show me, don’t you?”


	6. Video Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You, me, and soccer."

Hope looks down to where a soccer ball is placed in her lap.

 

“Soccer…there’s no doubt that this has and always will be our number one passion. We’ve made unimaginable sacrifices to play the sport we love- living out of a suitcase, criticism from the media, missing family events. There’s been times I know we’ve both wanted to quit- to give up- but it’s been so worth it. This career choice, or rather journey, has been everything I could have imagined and more.”

 

It’s been awhile since I’ve thought about soccer. Ever since the kids were born, our focus has been on them. We still contribute to the growth of women’s soccer here and there, more so Hope than I, but we do our best to keep our little family out of the limelight. Soccer will always be a huge chapter in my life, but I’m incredibly happy with settling down as well.

 

Hope’s voice rings in my ears and I pay closer attention, not wanting to miss a word.

 

“Kell, I know soccer hasn’t been our number one priority in a while, but I want you to promise me that you will never forget about it. I mean, you obviously won’t, but I don’t want you to simply reflect on our soccer experiences anymore…I want you to carry on my legacy. Our legacy. We’ve spent our entire careers paving the way for women athletes, and while we’ve made incredible progress, there’s always more to be done. I want little girls to believe in their dreams the same way that you and I did when we were young. With our world cup win, we barely touched on that. It’s time we bring that to a new level…I don’t know what that entails, but I know for a fact that this is important to me and I want you to carry this dream further.”

 

What does that mean? Play soccer again? I can’t do that…I’m not physically adept anymore. My confusion wavers as Hope stares straight at me.

 

“I hope this makes some sense to you…I figured we start out small. This is where it all began, right?”

 

Hope twirls the soccer ball in her hand in one swift, effortless motion.

 

“You, me, and soccer.”

 

-

 

_The final whistle blew and pure chaos ensued._

_Cheering fans, bright flashes of light, shaking of hands, hugs, and tears of joy._

_The United States Women’s National Team had won the 2015 World Cup._

_They had finally earned their highly coveted third star._

_Kelley fell to her knees in an utter state of disbelief. There was no way this was real life. She was just your shy and average girl from a small town in Georgia playing the sport she had fell in love with the moment her foot came in contact with a ball. Somewhere along the way, she had turned average into remarkable. She won gold not just for her country, but for herself._

_Everything was a blur. She was quickly engulfed by the media, tugged on by her teammates, and thrown their black World Cup Champions tees._

_Champions. They were champions._

_Kelley knew she would never shake off this feeling and while the atmosphere was overwhelming, she had one, and only one, person on her mind. She made her way through the growing number of people piling onto the field until her eyes laid upon a certain red kit._

_Their eyes met and somehow that was enough to block out the excitement surrounding them._

_The two rushed to another, resulting in Kelley leaping into Hope’s welcoming arms. They laughed and their eyes sparkled like they owned the world. In Hope’s hands was a flag and she wrapped it carefully around herself and the younger woman just inches away. They pressed their foreheads together and didn’t say one word to each other. They didn’t need to. They knew._

_They had never heard silence quite so loud._

_Silence that screamed, “We did it! We won gold!”_

_Silence that proclaimed, “This is our moment.”_

_Silence that whispered, “I love you.”_

_They could have stayed wrapped up in this bliss forever, but the medal ceremony was just about to begin. As a blanket of gold confetti covered them while they lifted the trophy, Kelley felt time slow down so she could remember every one of her twenty two teammate’s expressions. She wanted to let this moment soak into the deepest parts of her brain. Hope was doing the exact same thing, scanning each and one of her teammates to cherish in her memories. But the thing that the two of them would remember the most was not the looks on people’s faces, but the touch of the medal around their necks._

_Hardware symbolizing not just their years of hard work and sacrifices, but their commitment to one another._

_A true token of gold._

_One might ask, how could any that year get any better? Most of their teammates say that nothing can beat the high they felt coming off that win._

_But Hope and Kelley begged to differ._

_Because that year did get better._

_Hope proposed._

_And Kelley said yes._

-

 

The video has been long over and I just sit staring at the blank screen. This was her legacy, and I am going to do everything in my power to see it through. I’m determined to keep her dream alive. I must’ve been gathering my thoughts for quite some time that Carli pokes her head in, making sure I hadn’t gone off the deep end again.

 

“You okay, Kell?”

 

“Carli, I have an idea.”

 

 


	7. The Pitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With this one step, I’m overwhelmed with a feeling- a renewed feeling that anticipates change. A good kind of change.

I took a deep breath as I stood in the tunnel of Memorial Stadium, looking out to the field that awaited me. Signs were plastered all over the place, reading,

 

_The Solo Development Program._

Today is the first official day.

 

With Carli by my side, we planned this whole thing out over the last month in attempt to keep Hope’s dream alive. To let the world know her passion for the sport.

 

It’s an elite program specifically for kids, based in the heart of Seattle. If kids are accepted into the program, they would mainly receive training from Hope’s home team, The Seattle Reign FC, who so generously agreed to be a part of this. My national teammates have also offered to help out whenever they’re in town, holding one time skill sessions. And of course, both Carli and I would oversee everything. Though Carli lives on the east coast, she plans on staying in Seattle over the summer when the program is at its busiest.

 

I hear the announcer say my name and I know it’s time for me to walk out- to greet the thousands of people who joined us today. I’m blinded by the daylight and deafened by the supportive shouts, but I’m soon able to make out thousands of faces, some strangers, some familiar.

 

The entire Seattle Reign team and staff stood in the middle of the pitch, nodding support in my direction. In the middle of their group, I lock eyes with Coach Harvey. I give her a small smile in return. She had always been by Hope’s side from day one. No matter the media speculation, she had always believed in Hope.

 

To the sidelines, I see some of my national teammates. I haven’t seen them since the funeral- not because they didn’t reach out, but because I’ve purposely shut them out. I feel a small pang of guilt hit me as I realize that even after all this, they still have my back. Not everyone could make it, but I’m thankful for those who were able to.

 

Ashlyn and Ali flew in all the way from Florida with their kids. I told them they really didn’t have to, but they insisted. Those two have set such an example to everyone- an example full of pure love and adoration for one another. Hope and I had viewed them as our role models when it came to relationships.

 

Next to them stood Christie and her entire family as well as Abby and Sarah. Both Hope and I looked up to them while on the national team, not just because they were our leaders, but because they were legends. As little girls, we had always dreamed about playing with the likes of Christie and Abby. They are a crucial part of our soccer experience. They are our rocks.

 

I quickly wave to other teammates who so graciously came to this big event, but I make eye contact with Alex, who has our daughter in her arms. I feel the most guilt for keeping Alex out of the loop. She’s my best friend, and I haven’t given her one phone call since I asked her to help me pack some of Hope’s things away. Yet, she still came.

 

I blow a quick kiss to Emma who is just giggly as ever, and my eyes begin to wander, looking for my little boy. I finally spot him seated on a bench behind my former teammates. I can’t read him. No expression in his face whatsoever. I sigh.

 

I reach the beginning of the pitch and look around the entire stadium. All these people are here for Hope. Everyone here in some way has been touched by Hope, and just that alone makes me feel a sense of comfort I haven’t in a long time.

 

I look down at my feet, just barely touching the turf. I haven’t stepped on a field ever since she’s been gone. Though we both retired, Hope and I had always made it a part of our routine to kick a ball around here and there.

 

And suddenly, I don’t know if I can do this.

 

Not without her.

 

I feel myself getting choked up and the crowd getting quieter and quieter. I don’t want to cry. Not in front of all these people. But I do. The tears are spilling freely without giving me a chance to even stop them.

 

I’m about to turn around when I feel someone grasp my arm. I instantly know who it is at her touch. From now, it’s only ever going to be this person.

 

Carli. She hugs me, gently cradling me as I cry my final tears. She takes my hand and whispers,

 

“Together.”

 

And that’s enough to guide my feet onto the pitch. With this one step, I’m overwhelmed with a feeling- a renewed feeling that anticipates change. A good kind of change. Starting this program is just one of many steps on the road to healing.

 

Speeches are made and the activities begin. Well into the event, I find myself actually having a good time. Soccer balls are flying everywhere, kids are running around, and the adults are laughing up a storm.

 

This is what Hope would’ve wanted.

 

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Pinoe make her way to the side bench where Elliot is still seated. She attempts to lighten him up with grand gestures and soccer tricks, but he still stays stiff in his seat. Pinoe eventually runs off and I stroll over.

 

“Hey, buddy.”

 

No response. I didn’t expect one anyways.

 

“Don’t you want to join everyone out on the field? I think you’ll have a lot of fun.” I suggest.

 

Elliot just stares straight ahead.

 

I point towards one of the nets, “Look, Aunty Ash is in goal. I think she may need help blocking some shots…”

 

I quietly laugh. I’m just doing anything to bring a smile to his face. I put my arm around him, and he surprisingly lets me. He also surprisingly opens his mouth.

 

“I don’t want to play anymore.”

 

I look at him in disbelief, “Sweetie, you love soccer…and you’re pretty good at it too.”

 

“I can’t…” His voice wavers, “It reminds me too much of Mommy.”

 

“Hey, that’s not a bad thing…” I try and reassure him.

 

“B…but I can’t. I can’t play without Mommy here.”

 

I sigh. I don’t know what to say anymore. It took a lot in me to even step out onto the pitch today, so why would it be any easier for him?

 

I give him a quick squeeze before leaving. Carli approaches me.

 

“Everything alright over there?” She nods in Elliot’s direction.

 

“No.” I flat out reply and then expand, “He refuses to step onto the field…he doesn’t want to play anymore, Carli. Not without Hope here.”

 

Carli sighs, “Understandable.”

 

“Will you please talk to him? Maybe he’ll listen to you.” I plead.

 

Carli nods, “Yeah, of course.”

 

I turn my attention to one of the activities out on the field, starting small talk with some Reign players. It’s not long before Carli approaches me again.

 

“I’m sorry, Kell…he won’t budge.”

 

I look over to my broken hearted boy, still grieving more than ever. A soccer ball rolls to his feet and he doesn’t even bother to kick it in return. And that’s when I know.

 

We still have a long road ahead of us.

 


	8. Video Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Just promise me you’ll do whatever you can to make yourself happy, okay?”

I walk into the upstairs living room, making sure to close the door behind me. I needed to make sure I was alone for this- the kids didn’t know about the videos.

 

I find myself staring at the screen and I murmur, “Alright, now what, Hope?”

 

The television flickers on Hope’s waving at the screen. I smirk and think, _What a dork._

 

“Hey, Kell! Okay, so do you remember our honeymoon?”

 

I smirk again. Of course I remember our honeymoon. Boy, every night was wildly fun. Hope rolled her eyes, as if she was reading my mind.

 

“Oh, Kelley, I don’t mean it like _that_.” Hope winked at me for good measure.

 

I feel myself coming undone. Who told her that was okay? I hear Carli gagging in the background.

 

“Oh come on, really? That’s disgusting.”

 

“Oh grow up, Carli. It was our honeymoon. We did almost everything under the sun…literally.”

 

I snort. Having sex on the beach was a bucket list item I never knew I needed.

 

“Ew, gross. Just hurry up and make your point.”

 

Hope laughed at her friend,  “Fine, fine…as much as I would like to torture you with raunchy details of our sex life, I think it would enlighten you that we actually bickered quite a bit over a little something- all in good nature of course.”

 

“Really?” Carli sounded intrigued.

 

Hope now turned her attention back to me. With an eyebrow raised, she asked me, “What did we argue over?”

 

I smiled at how ridiculous this was, but I responded anyways.

 

“Surfing.”

 

-

 

_They had been staying on the island of St. Lucia for a full week now and Kelley still couldn’t get enough of the water- well, surfing, that is._

 

_Kelley jumped on the bed, rudely awaking Hope. “Surf’s up, babeeeee!”_

_Eyes now wide open, Hope was clearly startled, “Oh my god, Kelley, are you five years old?”_

_“That joke’s getting old, Hope.” Kelley playfully jumped on the bed._

_Hope’s eyes followed her wife’s movement, up and down, up and down. She shook her head, not believing that out of all people, she somehow ended up marrying Kelley O’Hara. She squinted,_

_“Will you just sit still for a second? You’re making me dizzy!”_

_“God, you sure know how to kill a party…but for real though, get up. We’re going to be late.”_

_“Late?”_

_“For the first good wave of the morning?”_

_Hope grumbled, “It’s our honeymoon. Isn’t it against the rules to wake up before ten?”_

_“You’re the morning person in the relationship here. You wake up at six like every day! An hour less of sleep won’t kill you.”_

_“Well someone kept me up all night! I only got three hours of sleep.”_

_Kelley shyly responded, “Oh…yeah. Oops. Look, it’s not my fault that it took forever for you to…”_

_“Enough! Okay! I’m coming.” Hope thought back to their crazy night. She grumbled anyways, “I can’t believe I woke up at five just to see you surf.”_

_“I think you meant to say you woke up at five to go surfing together.” Kelley corrected._

_“Whatever, that too.”_

_It took a week, but Kelley had finally convinced Hope to join her out on the water. After getting their rash guards on and stopping by the surfboard rental hut on the beach, the newlyweds stood facing the ocean._

_Hope shifted in her rash guard, stretching the material, “These are horribly uncomfortable. I can barely move.”_

_“They loosen up when you’re in the water. The tighter, the better…if you know what I mean.”_

_Hope frowned, “I actually don’t know what you mean.”_

_“Look, if it makes you feel better, the tight fit defines you well. You’re turning me on right now.” Kelley grinned mischievously._

_Hope felt color fill her cheeks, but she rolled her eyes in attempt to stop it. She didn’t need to give Kelley any other reason to make her melt inside. She suggested,_

_“Well, maybe we could skip this whole standing on water bit and get straight to the good stuff. You know, minus the rash guards.”_

_“No way. We made it all the way here. There’s no backing out now. Come on, follow me.” Kelley picked up her board and waded into the water._

_Realizing she was the only one in the water, Kelley turned around to see Hope still standing on shore. “What now?!”_

_“What if there are sharks?”_

_“Sharks? You’re pulling my leg, right?”_

_“It’s a valid question, Kelley.”_

_“I’m the one with the fear of sharks, not you!” Kelley put her hands up in disbelief._

_“I can have more than one fear, you know.”_

_“Seriously? Ashlyn is terrified of sharks too. Is this some goalkeeper thing I never knew about?”_

_“Kell, I’m serious. What are the statistics for appearances of sharks? When was the last time--”_

_Kelley cut her off and demanded, “Hope Solo, get your ass in the water.”_

_Hope frowned. She didn’t like being told what to do, but when Kelley did so, she oddly listened. Following suit and picking up her board, Hope waded into the water to where Kelley was. They both paddled out further. Hope quickly learned how to stand up on her board, but her problem was actually staying on it long enough to ride out the wave. She ended up getting pulled under for the tenth time._

_Kelley chuckled, “Babe, you okay?”_

_Hope was grumpy, mostly due to the lack of sleep, “No. I’m not okay. I am the farthest from okay. If getting tossed under a wave is what you call fun, then I think you and I have very different definitions of that word.”_

_“You’ll get it, I promise. Ready to try again?”_

_Hope let out a heavy sigh, but just as she got ready to paddle, she let out a scream, “What was that?! Oh my god. Something just brushed up against my leg.”_

_Kelley rolled her eyes, “That was my leg.”_

_“How do you know for sure?” Hope was frantically climbing onto her board._

_“Well I don’t know for sure, but said that anyways to shut you up.”_

_Hope glared, “You know what, O’Hara? I’m over this. I’m done.”_

_“Aw, come on, babe, please stay.”_

_“No. I’m tired, I’m hungry, and I don’t feel like getting a chunk taken out of my leg by a shark today.” Hope began heading back towards shore._

_Kelley shook her head at the “tough” goalkeeper. She called out, “I’ll be out of the water in a bit! Just going to catch a few more waves!”_

_Two hours later, Hope found herself startled by a splash of water onto her book. She jumped in her seat, “Kelley! You got my book wet!”_

_Kelley’s hair was dripping wet, but she curled up next to Hope on her beach towel anyways. “Sorry, babe.”_

_Hope scooted away, “Kelley, seriously, dry yourself off. You’re getting everything wet.”_

_“Wow, someone’s in a bad mood.”_

_When Hope didn’t respond and remained focused on her book, Kelley grabbed a towel and begin squeezing water out of her hair. She sighed,_

_“Are you planning to give me the silent treatment for the rest of the trip?”_

_“No. You’d get too annoying.”_

_Kelley asked, “Are you cranky because I was out surfing longer than I said I’d be?”_

_Hope shrugged, “You do you, Kell…but I don’t know, it is our honeymoon, so maybe it would be nice of you to show some interest in something other than surfing for once.”_

_“You know surfing makes me happy. What did you expect?”_

_Hope continued to pout as she commented to herself, “I knew we should’ve gone somewhere that was landlocked…like Nepal or something.”_

_“Come on, St. Lucia is gorgeous!”_

_“It’s an island! We’re surrounded by water!”_

_“So?”_

_“So that means you’re surfing 90% of the time! Is that really the only think you want to do here?”_

_“Well, I sure like doing you more…” Kelley smirked, putting an end to their conversation and tackling Hope with a trail of kisses._

-

 

Hope nodded, “Right, surfing…that’s just one of many things that make you happy, Kell. I know you might not think happiness is achievable right now…but I know it’s out there. So I want to challenge you to find that happiness. Why don’t you start with calling up Ash and Tobin? I’m sure they’d go out with you…maybe you three can continue your surfing tradition. Just promise me you’ll do whatever you can to make yourself happy, okay?”

 

The video ends and I find myself scrolling through my contacts to dial my old friends’ numbers.


	9. Getaway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s a different type of happy…there’s the happiness when I think back to all my times with Hope and then there’s this. This is more of a restorative happiness, laced with optimism that I might actually be alright.

“Thanks so much for letting us stay with you. Really, we could’ve just stayed nearby.”

 

Ali shakes her head, “Don’t be silly, Kell.”

 

Ashlyn nods in agreement as she begins to take our suitcases to the guest bedroom, “You’re basically family!”

 

Ali sadly smiles at me before bringing me in for a hug. She whispers, “I’m really glad you’re here, Kell…we’ve missed you.”

 

“Likewise.” I murmur, my eyes stinging with tears. It felt good to feel their support- I could never repay Ali for her compassion not just now, but throughout all the years I’ve known her. She is seriously one of the sweetest souls on this planet.  

 

After watching the latest video from Hope, I called up both Ashlyn and Tobin, which resulted in them planning a one week getaway at Ashlyn and Ali’s place in Florida since it was close to one of the best surfing spots in the state. They figured it would be fun to get some surfing in and let the children keep each other company.

 

Ashlyn appeared and mentioned, “Tobin gets in tomorrow morning. Once she’s here, I vote we head straight to the beach.”

 

I let out a soft laugh, “Eager, huh, Ash?”

 

Ali rolls her eyes, “ _Very_.”

 

Ashlyn smiles, “Hey, we haven’t done this in years! Not since you and Tobin were roommates. I would never turn down a full week of surfing.”

 

As anticipated, we spent every day at the beach. Honestly, I forgot how relaxed the beach makes me. The sound of the waves crashing onto the shore is music to my ears and the endless view of the ocean is soothing.

 

I’m happy.

 

It’s a different type of happy…there’s the happiness when I think back to all my times with Hope and then there’s this. This is more of a restorative happiness, laced with optimism that I might actually be alright.

 

My thoughts are interrupted when I hear someone call out my name. I turn to my friends sitting beside me, “Hm?”

 

“Daydreaming, Kell?” Ashlyn smiles.

 

I just nod.

 

Ali adds, “I know I’ve said this a hundred times, but I’m so glad you decided to visit.”

 

“Me too. Thanks again for having us.”

 

Tobin agrees, “It’s been perfect.”

 

Ashlyn’s tone of voice becomes serious for the first time this week, “Kell, I hope you know that we’ll always be here for you…if you ever want to talk, we’re here.”

 

I nod again, “Oh, I know…” I look up at the sky, trying to do my best to keep tears from forming. Ali notices- she’s always been sensitive to this sort of thing- and wraps an arm around me. I gratefully lean into her.

 

“I knew it would be hard…” I sigh and continue, “But not _this_ hard.”

 

“You’re taking care of yourself, right?”

 

“Yeah…yeah….I mean not at first, but I’ve been getting by. With the opening of the soccer program and this little getaway, I finally feel like I’m on an upward trend.”

 

“Good…that’s good. Progress is progress, right?” Ali adds.

 

Tobin asks, “Have you spoken to Carli much?”

 

“Oh, yeah…all the time. She makes an effort to spend time with the kids as much as possible. She’s been so amazing….her and…” My voice trails off.

 

“And what?”

 

I feel tears fall, but I wipe them away. I shift uncomfortably and just murmur, “She made me videos.”

 

“Sorry, what did you say, Kell?” Everyone leaned in to hear me better.

 

“Videos.” I say a little louder. “Hope filmed videos for me to watch after…after you know.”

 

Everyone went silent after that. No one knew what to say. I understood how to feel- I had no idea how to react when Carli showed me the very first one. I decided to expand,

 

“That’s part of the reason why I called you guys…Hope wanted me to. I don’t really know what to expect from every video, but it helps get me by…she told me she just wanted to be by my side throughout all this.”

 

“Oh, Hope…” Ali shakes her head in disbelief.

 

I quickly say, “Of course I’d rather have her physically by my side, but you know, I’ll take what I can get…I don’t know how she pulled this off.”

 

“I can’t even imagine…” Tobin sighs.

 

I smile at my three friends and when I’m just about to respond, Ryder, one of Ashlyn and Ali’s boys, came running up to us.

 

“What’s up, Ryder?” Ashlyn greets her son.

 

“Momma, Elliot won’t play with us.”

 

“Well sometimes not everyone wants to play.” Ashlyn tries to explain.

 

Ryder turns to Ali, “But we need a goalie and he’s the only one who knows how!”

 

I sigh and look down. Elliot is really taking this whole thing seriously…he really doesn’t want to play anymore.

 

Ali tries to help out, “Ryder, remember what we talked about? Elliott might be too sad to play today…”

 

“Because his Mommy is in heaven?” The young boy questions.

 

Ali nods and suggests, “Maybe he can be the referee…why don’t you go and ask him?”

 

Ryder lets out a heavy sigh, but does what he’s told and runs off. Ashlyn apologizes, “Sorry about that, Kell…”

 

“No, no…it’s alright.”

 

I just look over to where the kids are playing a makeshift game of soccer, or rather just kicking around the ball. Elliot is seated off to the side alone. I guess my feelings are pretty evident in my eyes because Ali notices once again and inquires,

 

“You’re having a hard time with the kids, aren’t you?”

 

I admit, “Emma’s doing okay…she’s still too young to really understand what’s going on. Elliott though…I don’t know what to do with him.”

 

“Have you talked about Hope a lot with him?”

 

“Not extensively…he knows she’s gone, but it’s so hard to read him sometimes. He’s grieving, but not in the way I would perceive as exactly normal. He allows himself to cry, which I think is good, but he’s also put up these walls and I can’t get through them…he’s so much like Hope.”

 

Ali points out, “You’ll get through to him, Kell…you did with Hope.”

 

“I know…I just don’t even know where to begin. Right now I’m just waiting for him to come to me because every time I approach him, he shuts down.”

 

Tobin looks over at the kids and observes, “Is not playing soccer related to this?”

 

I nod my head, “Yeah…he doesn’t want to play anymore. I can’t convince him otherwise. He says he can’t do it without Hope.”

 

Ashlyn offers a suggestion, “Why don’t you get Carli to talk to him? He usually listens to her, right?”

 

“Carli’s tried…this is the only thing Elliot won’t listen to her about. I think Carli is going to talk to her former Dash teammate, well I mean you guys know her- Ella- about this. She thinks she might be able to help, so we’ll see what comes out of that.”

 

No one really says anything after that and before I know it, Ash, Tobin, and I are back out on the water. At least on the water, I’m free of all these thoughts. I’m happy.

 

-

 

Early the next morning, I’m startled by a small pair of hands on my back, gently shaking me awake. I roll over and as my vision becomes clear, I realize my son is standing in front of me.

 

“Elliot?”

 

“M…mommy…”

 

I sit up, paying full attention to him. I slowly begin to panic, “Buddy, what’s wrong?”

 

Elliot’s voice wavers as he stares at me, “Do…do you dream about Mommy?”

 

 _Every night,_ I immediately think. In a way, dreaming brings me peace- it’s one of the only times I get to be with Hope again. I gently stroke his hair and sadly smile, “Yeah, of course…all the time. Do you?”

 

Elliot bursts into a wracking fit of tears. I begin to panic even more and I slowly pull him up gently onto my bed. I squeeze his shoulder in reassurance, “Elliot, what’s going on? Did you have a bad dream about Mommy?”

 

He continues to let out sobs and by this point, I’m really concerned. If he doesn’t talk to me, I can’t help him…I feel useless. But after a couple more minutes, he opens up to me.

 

“I…I didn’t dream about Mommy last night.” Elliot finally admits.

 

“Oh…uhm, well…that’s okay, buddy. Really, it’s alright.” I try to comfort him.

 

“No!” Elliot fiercely says. His voice calms down as he trembles, “No….no it’s not okay. Mom, I don’t want to forget her…I’m going to forget….I don’t want to…”

 

His dulled cloudy blue eyes are enough to make me tear up as he repeats this over and over again in my arms. How am I supposed to keep doing this?

 

I whisper softly as I cradle him, “You won’t forget, buddy…you won’t ever forget. I promise.”

 


	10. Video Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “There’s no doubt that we get by with a little help from our friends.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for keeping up with this story. Here, have some Harli :)

“There’s no doubt that we get by with a little help from our friends.”

 

Friendship. Of course Hope would dedicate a video to this. Her family wasn’t exactly…like mine. When I first brought her home to spend some time with my extended family, I remember her telling me “I didn’t even know families like this existed.” Growing up, she never really had a good support system in her family- so she resorted to her friends. Not that she has many friends (only God knows she’s a misunderstood human being), but still, those that she considered her true friends, she was very loyal to. Friendship is important to Hope.

 

Hope frowns, “That sounds like a quote you would find on Pinterest, doesn’t it? Okay, I don’t know who said that, but it’s on point. Kell, I think you know how important friendship is to me, so I won’t go into details, but _please_ …promise me you won’t let go of any friendship worth keeping. That sounds obvious, but I just wanted to say it anyways. We have some pretty darn good people in our life.”

 

“Like me, right?” Carli clears her throat in exaggeration behind the camera.

 

“Hmm…if you say so.”

 

Hope smiles mischievously- I know she’s really just trying to get a reaction out of Carli, and of course, it works.

 

“Hey! What do you mean ‘if you say so’? I’m your best friend- and I’m pretty damn good at my job too!”

 

Hope rolls her eyes, “Yeah, except for that one time.”

 

“Oh my god for the millionth time, I’m sorry!”

 

“Literally the night before the biggest day of my life and you weren’t there for me!”

 

“That wasn’t even my fault! Blame your wife for that.” Carli throws me under the bus.

 

“What did you two even talk about that night anyways?”

 

Carli doesn’t say a word- staying true to her word that what we talked about that night was a secret. Hope questions anyways,

 

“Seriously, what could’ve been more important than what I needed?!”

 

Hope accuses, doing her best to remain serious, but ends up letting out a few laughs anyways. A rogue soccer ball suddenly flies into the frame, kicked by Carli of course. Chaos ensues between the pair of best friends, beginning with Hope glaring and chasing Carli behind the camera.

 

I laugh and turn to my friend currently seated beside me, her voice currently ringing in the video, _Hope, don’t you dare…hey! Get back here!_

 

“Carli, she’s never going to let us live that one down, huh?”

 

“Never.” She chuckles in return.

 

-

 

_It was the night before the wedding, and in true fashion, Hope was in panic mode. Throughout the whole wedding, she’d been on her best behavior. At one point, she even convinced herself that she might make it through their wedding day without one freak out moment. Who was she kidding? Packing back and forth in the hotel room she had to herself, she called Carli for the third time within the last five minutes._

_“Hello?”_

_“Jesus Christ, Carli! You better be in the hospital. Where have you been? Why haven’t you been answering my calls? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for the past year.”_

_“Hope, calm down…”_

_“Carli! That’s like the least helpful thing you could say right now- I’m far from calm. I’m panicking. I’m not okay. I…I….” Hope stumbled over her words._

_“Hey, slow down.”_

_“Will you just get your ass to my room like yesterday?!”_

_Carli knew she wouldn’t get a word in, and was thus not able to explain the current situation she was in. She gave in, “Fine, I’m coming…I’m coming.”_

_Hope felt relieved for a slight moment, but was fuming about an hour later when Carli still had not shown up at her door. Finally, a knock was heard, and she practically flung the door open._

_“FINALLY. Thank God, I was about to…” Hope realized who was standing before her. “Wait, Alex?”_

_“Hey...” Alex’s voice wavered, obviously nervous to be standing in front of a panicked Hope Solo._

_“What are you doing here?”_

_Before Alex could respond, Pinoe suddenly showed up as well. Seeing Hope in pure confusion, she chuckled, “I hope I’m not too late to this party.”_

_“Pinoe? What’s going on? What are you doing here?”_

_Pinoe shrugged, “Carli sent me.”_

_Alex chimed in, “And me.”_

_My eyes widened in disbelief and I exclaimed, “What? Why?!”_

_“Nice to see you too, Solo.” Pinoe rolled her eyes._

_Alex nervously added, “So…last minute jitters, Hope?” She was doing her best to make small talk and was failing epically._

_Hope ignored her two teammates before her and tried pushing past them. Both Alex and Pinoe held her back, shoving her back into the hotel room, closing and locking the door as they did so. Hope was horrified._

_“Where’s Carli?!”_

_Alex shrugged, “With Kelley.”_

_“With Kelley?! Why?!”_

_Pinoe shrugged as well, “We don’t know…I think Kelley needed her or something.”_

_“What the hell?! Carli is my best friend! Not Kelley’s!”_

_Alex scoffed, “Trust me, I’m confused too.”_

_Hope looked incredulously at her two teammates and lost it, “What the fuck?! Carli sent me you two?! Pinoe?! Seriously?”_

_“Oh my god if you keep this up, I’m not attending your wedding tomorrow.” Pinoe joked out of offense and began to chuckle, but stopped as she realized that Hope was clearly not doing well._

_Alex noticed too and offered, “Hope, talk to us…you’re going to be okay.”_

_Pinoe, knowing her teammate actually quite well since she spent a good amount of time with her at Reign events, knew exactly why Hope was panicking. She quickly shut her down before she even said one word._

_“Hope, you deserve this. You deserve her.”_

_-_

_Carli put her head in her hands and muttered to herself, “Oh she’s going to kill me. She’s going to kill me and bury me and the police won’t be able to find me. Oh my god. She’s really going to kill me.”_

_“CARLI! FOCUS.” Kelley shouted at her lover’s best friend._

_“Kell, she’s not going to forgive us for this!”_

_“I know, okay?! But that is the least of my worries right now! Will you pull yourself together?! You don’t get to freak out! IT’S MY WEDDING. I DO. I GET TO FREAK OUT.”_

_Carli’s eyes widened at Kelley’s outbreak. She stopped complaining for a moment and followed her friend outside- until they were on a soccer field, the nearest one to the hotel everyone was staying at._

_Carli lost it again. “The field? Seriously?! Did it ever occur to you that Hope will probably come down here too?! Oh shit…oh my god, what if she actually shows up? We’re dead. I’m dead. She’s going to bury me under this very field.”_

_“FOR FUCK’S SAKE. SHUT UP, CARLI!”_

_“Jesus, Kell, out of all people, I wouldn’t have pinpointed you as the one to freak out the night before her wedding. You know, I…”_

_“SHUT. UP.” Kelley screamed and glared before toning down her voice, “I…I just need silence right now.”_

_Carli realized that the young defender was indeed freaking out, so she respected her wishes. She remained silent, knowing that Kelley would talk as soon as she was ready. After a while, Kelley unloaded the duffel bag she had brought with her- taking out a handful of soccer balls._

_“Go stand in the net.”_

_“What? Why?”_

_“Just do it.”_

_As soon as Carli turned around in her place in goal, Kelley started firing shots. Carli ducked out of the way, “What the hell?!”_

_Kelley pelted a few more balls towards her._

_“Kell! Ouch! Oh my god! STOP!”_

_Kelley, out of breath, managed to get out, “I’m stressed, okay? I just wanted to kick some balls around! Is that too much to ask for?”_

_“You didn’t tell me what was going on!” Carli exclaimed out of defense._

_“You are a terrible goalkeeper.”_

_“Well, good thing you’re marrying Hope.”_

_Carli began to smile, but noticing that Kelley had started to hyperventilate, she apologized immediately._

_“I…I’m sorry. What did I say? Uh, Kelley, calm down…it’s okay.”_

_After she controlled her breathing, Kelley felt tears fall down and she leaned into Carli’s embrace, finally murmuring,_

_“This is too good to be true…is this really happening?”_

_“It really is.”_

_“I got her, Carli…after all this….she let me have her. I finally got her.” Kelley softly whispered._

_“Yeah, you did, kid…yeah you did.”_

_“I…I got her. And I’m never letting her go.”_

_“Well, I’d kick both of your asses if you ever did.” Carli smirked, finally earning a soft laugh out of the young brunette._

-

 

Hope eventually makes it back into the video frame and onto the stool she usually sits on. She sigh, “Fine, I guess if Carli was helping you, Kell, then that’s okay…I forgive you guys.”

 

“Really?” Carli’s voice was way too hopeful.

 

“Not at all.” Hope smirks, but then continues, “But really, Kell…don’t lose sight of your friends. They’re going to be your rock throughout all this, and you need to allow them to be. Go out with them. Spend time with them.”

 

Hope sighs, but of course, takes another jab at her best friend.

 

“Oh, and take Carli out will you? She needs it.”

 

“Hey! I’m right here!” Carli is heard once again behind the camera.

 

The two friends share a laugh and the video cuts out. I don’t say anything. I don’t have to- I just need to look over beside me. I turn to Carli, who is shaking her head at the now empty screen. Tears are brimming in her eyes.  

 

She whispers, “God, I miss you, Hope.”

 


	11. BFF Fun Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey, Hope told me to make sure you get out, so that’s what I’m doing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, now have some Carli and Kelley :)

“Carli?” I softly poke at her as she sleeps soundly in our guest bed.

 

No response.

 

“Carli, wake up.” I prod a little harder.

 

Still no response. I sigh. Hope was right- Carli is a pain to get out of bed. So I resort to what I do best. I scream, literally scaring her out of bed. I’ve never seen someone scramble awake so quickly. I snort.

 

“What the hell?!” Carli squints and once she realizes it’s me standing at the side of her bed, her eyes soften, “Kell, are you okay?”

 

“Come on, sleepyhead.” My grin widens, “It’s BFF fun day!”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“BFF fun day.” I repeat.

 

“What?” Carli yawns in confusion.

 

“We’re going out today on a best friend excursion. Come on, it’ll be fun!” I begin to explain.

 

Carli is definitely not amused. “You woke me up for this?!”

 

“Hey, Hope told me to make sure you get out, so that’s what I’m doing.” I truthfully reply, knowing that I also just won the argument.

 

Carli doesn’t question me anymore and trudges out of bed. We get the kids ready as well and end up in the nearby park for a walk. We stroll around for a bit until we’re across the street from a bakery. I give Carli a look, she rolls her eyes, and within seconds we’re picking out a dozen of donuts. We take them back to the park and find a bench to sit on.

 

Elliot looks up, “Aunty Carli, which donut are you going to have?”

 

“Powdered sugar, what else?!” Carli immediately replies as she reaches for some napkins.

 

Elliot now turns to me, “Mommy, can I have a powdered sugar one too?”

 

“Whatever you want, buddy.” I mention to Carli aside, “He’s basically you in the making, you know.”

 

“Good, we need more Carlis in this world.”

 

I roll my eyes at her ego, but inside I’m incredibly thankful for her presence in our lives, especially now.

 

“Wait!” Elliot suddenly exclaims.

 

Carli, who was just about to take a bite out of her donut, frowns, “What’s wrong, buddy?”

 

A mischievous smirk grows on Elliot’s face, a look I’ve seen a thousand times on Hope. He finally says, “Wanna have a race? I bet I could finish this whole donut before you.”

 

I know Carli’s answer before she even responds. She could never say no to a challenge- well, she couldn’t say no to my son either.

 

“Oh it’s on, little man.”

 

I try to intervene, “Elliot, just don’t eat so fast, you might end up with a tummy ache later…you guys, I don’t know if this is such a great…”

 

Too late. I watch as the two of them shove the little baked good into their mouths, powdered sugar bursting everywhere. Somehow, my son is miraculously halfway through his donut while Carli appears to be struggling. With Emma in my arms, the both of us are finding it hard to refrain my laughing.

 

Swallowing the last piece, Elliot jumps up and down, “I finished! I won! I won! I won!”

 

I look over at Carli, remnants of powdered sugar all over her shirt. I snort, “Tough loss. You’re a mess.”

 

Carli frowns, and of course with her mouth full, pouts, “How’d you go so fast?!”

 

I smartly add, “Well, the real question is, how’d you stay so clean, buddy? Thanks for not making me do laundry today.” I joke.

 

Elliot shrugs and runs off to play on the playground. Carli finally finishes her donut. A frown still on her face, she mentions, “I should’ve won.”

 

“I don’t know, Elliot’s got quite the competitive spirit.” I observe.

 

“So do I!” My friend protests.

 

“Well, he does take after Hope and I know for a fact that Hope was the only one to every match your competitiveness.”

 

Carli smiles, “True, true…”

 

We stay out for quite some time, perfectly content with watching Elliot play with Emma. They’re such good kids. Carli and I people watch, judging every single person who passed by.

 

Carli smirks, “I never knew you could be so judgmental, O’Hara.”

 

“I think Hope rubbed off on me.”

 

She chuckles, “Sure thing…we used to do this a lot.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Back when we were all on the team, she and I would just watch the rest of you kids make a fool out of yourselves.”

 

“So that’s what you two would always laugh about at the back of the bus? Your own teammates!”

 

I jokingly sound offended, but the happiness in me is suddenly replaced by nostalgia. I’d do anything to relive our glory days on the team. There was such a special bond between everyone on the team, and I can’t help but think of all the memories associated with them- especially those surrounding Hope and me. Thinking about Hope makes my heart sink again.

 

I sigh and mumble quietly, “How do you do it?”

 

“Do what?” Carli tilts her head.

 

“Stay so strong…through all of this.” I point out, “You were her best friend.”

 

Carli gets quiet and looks ahead. I know that if she were to look at me, the both of us might breakdown. She gathers herself together, but her voice still trembles,

 

“The videos, I guess…it was sort of like therapy to me. I wasn’t too keen on the idea, but she made it really hard to say no. She has that effect on people, I’m sure you know.”

 

I nod in understanding and continued to listen.

 

“We had a fun time filming them all…she’d call me and we’d film or edit the videos and laughter would make the toughest days seem manageable. I wouldn’t have been able to spend as much time with her if it weren’t for this. Honestly, it helped me cope with it all, and ultimately, it gave me closure in the end.”

 

“When did you two decide to do this?”

 

Carli admits, “I think Hope had been thinking about it for awhile, but we never started filming until she refused treatment the second time around.”

 

“Oh…alright.”

 

It’s quiet between us until Carli softly warns, “Kell, I want to prepare you…”

 

“How many videos are left?” I interrupt.

 

She just shrugs, “A decent amount…we’re probably halfway done with them. But Kelley, I just want you to know that it might get a little hard from here on out…”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“The videos…you’re going to notice her deteriorating, you’re going to be able to physically see it. And I…I just remember how difficult it was to see her like that. I know you saw it with your own eyes, but I think it’ll be hard to see again. So I’m just preparing you now, okay?”

 

I bite my lip, suddenly afraid of what the next videos entail. But I remain strong.

 

“Thank you.” I softly say, “Thank you for doing that…for the videos, for everything. I don’t think you know how much you meant to her, and to me. We love you, Carli.”

 

“I love you guys, too.”

 


	12. Video Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Look around you, Kelley…look at your teammates, our second family.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the feedback, everyone! Alright, here we go- now have the entire USWNT for the next few chapters ;)

 

I finally arrive at Reign HQ for a logistics meeting we usually have once a month for the soccer development program. I head for the usual meeting room, but as soon as I open the door, I’m speechless. My eyes scan the room in disbelief at the people standing in front of me, the girls dearest to my heart.

 

My teammates. My fellow world champions.

 

All twenty one of them.

 

We haven’t been in the same room since the victory tour. I don’t know what to say.

 

Pinoe breaks the ice with a soft chuckle, “Surprise!”

 

“Th…this isn’t real.” I breathe. “You’re all here. In Seattle. Right now.”

 

“We most certainly are!” Christie smiles and confirms.

 

“Wh…what are you all doing here?” I ask the most obvious question.

 

Lauren, who I haven’t seen in months, admits, “That’s a very valid question, actually.”

 

“Carli organized this whole thing a few months ago, but to be honest, we really don’t know why we’re here.” Abby adds.

 

Meghan chimes in, “Yeah, so are you finally going to tell us what’s going on, Carli?”

 

I frantically search for Carli and once I find her, I already know what she’s going to say. I immediately feel the tears come to my eyes once again, which concerns many of my teammates.

 

Christen, who was closest to me, walks over and softly asks, “Hey, you okay?”

 

I nod, wiping my tears away before speaking, “We…we’re all here be...because…”

 

My voice is shaky, so Carli finishes my sentence, “Because we need to watch a certain video together.”

 

“Video? What kind of video?” Julie asks, on behalf of the rest of my confused teammates.

 

Carli doesn’t respond, but sets up the projector. I find myself sitting near Ashlyn, Ali, and Tobin, who also know what’s about to happen. I feel my knee begin to shake and I swallow back my fear, my fear of breaking down in front of my entire team. Carli sends me a look, I nod because what else am I going to do, and the screen flickers on.

 

I’ve never heard so many gasps all at once.

 

“Hey, gals!”

 

I look down because I’m not sure if I’m ready for this. I’ve gotten through all the previous videos together, but I already know this one is different. I’m experiencing this with my team, and there’s a sense of vulnerability that comes along with that.

 

Ali squeezes my hand, giving me enough strength to look back up at the screen just in time to catch Hope talking directly to me.

 

“Kell, you never saw this coming, did you? You didn’t think I’d get Carli to convince the entire team to get together for a little reunion. Well, if you’re watching this, we were successful! Look around you, Kelley…look at your teammates, our second family.”

 

I do. I look at every single girl in the room, still in disbelief that everyone had taken the time to be here.

 

Hope continues, now speaking to the team, “You gals are really our second family. We’ve gone through pretty much everything together…the tiring practices, sleepless travelling, losses, and wins. We’ve been on top of the world together. We are world champions, and I swear I am never going to get over that. We had each other’s backs through all that...and now here we are, having each other’s backs again.”

 

I bite my lip, hoping to prevent myself from falling apart.

 

Hope shakes her head, tears welling up in her eyes and though she doesn’t cry, I can feel the sadness in her voice.

 

“I…I just wanted to thank all of you. For everything you’ve done for Kelley and me…and for everything you will do for our family. Even though I won’t be around, I know they will be in good hands…it’s just the nature of our team. And I’m so proud to be a part of it.”

 

At this point, almost the majority of the room has broken down into tears. They’re all passing tissues around and even the toughest on the team, namely Abby, has a tear or two rolling down her face. I silently think, _See, Hope? Look how valued you are by your teammates. Look how much you are loved._

 

-

 

_The drive home was silent, apart from Kelley crying uncontrollably in the passenger seat. She really didn’t want to act like this, but her emotions were cruel to her- she couldn’t avoid the tears. She’d get angry within the next few days, but right now, she was just upset. There was a certain type of emptiness building in her heart._

_They had thought she was out of the woods, but this whole time, it had been growing viciously inside of her._

_“You’ve been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma.”_

_When Kelley heard those words almost a year ago, she had never felt so low- but now, hearing that this monster has started to take over other parts of her wife’s body, this was a thousand times worse. Going into the appointment, they both thought they’d be walking out, celebrating another month of success- of recovery. Little did they know, they’d spend an hour discussing options having to do with its return._

_6 months. Maybe a year._

_That’s all they gave her- and she just accepted it. Kelley’s eyes widened as Hope nodded, accepting her cruel fate. She, of course, was confused and angry, but again, the tears took over and all she could do was cry._

_The final months together were some of the hardest. No one knew how to cope with it. They had great support from their family and friends, but the support they received from their teammates…_

_Well, there was nothing like it._

_Everyone had seen the worse in each other, and they still supported each other through thick and thin. As Hope deteriorated, sometimes she wouldn’t even know the extent of her teammate’s support. But Kelley knew. She was there for it all._

_For when Christie visited for a few weeks and took care of all household responsibilities, making sure there was a home cooked meal on the table every night._

_For when Becky visited and simply read her favorite books with Hope, doing anything she could to keep her company while she was confined to her bed._

_For when JJ would take time out of her busy duties to the national team just to update Hope on everything soccer. Hope was her mentor- and like she promised during that semi-final in Montreal, she’d “be there.”_

_For when Syd and Pinoe would plan their visits together and they would result in so much laughter that Kelley would have to kick them out of the house before they exhausted Hope’s energy for the day._

_For when those who lived far away, namely Heather, called or texted every day to see how the little family in Seattle was coping._

_Kelley didn’t know how she could even repay them for their support and time, but she knew one thing for sure._

_This was what a true team looked like._

-

 

After a coughing fit settles down, Hope manages to continue, “I know this is hard. But you all need to stick together just like all the other times we’ve stuck together in the past. No matter how hard you think this will be, you all are going to be just fine. Think back to all our memories together, some of our most fond ones were…where, exactly?”

 

The rest of the team aren’t used to Hope as they haven’t watched as many videos as I have, so I respond and answer Hope’s question.

 

“Vancouver.” I smile sadly.

 

“Exactly.” Hope converses with me, “Vancouver. That’s the top of the world. And you’re going to go there. All twenty two of you. I’ve spoken with some people and coordinated a few things, so none of you are getting out of this.”

 

She laughs- music filling my ears all over again.

 

“I wish I could be there with you…I wish things weren’t like this. But I believe in all of you- that you have the ability to heal and come out stronger than before. We’ve proven that so many times as a team. I love you all, and again, I am so, so, so proud to be your teammate.”

 

Her voice fades, and she’s gone once again.   

 

The vibe of the room is quiet. No one knows what to do, but everyone’s eyes are directed at Carli, who is now holding up an envelope with what it appears to be airplane tickets sticking out of it. She smirks at everyone’s expressions, jaws dropped and all.

 

“Looks like we’re heading to the great white north again, gals.”  

 


	13. Vancouver

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team finds closure in Vancouver.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not updating in a few days. School had gotten busy, but good news- I'm done with finals and I'm officially on winter break now. I'll be updating more frequently now. Thanks for your patience and hope you enjoy this chapter :)

The morning after arriving in Vancouver, I hear a faint knock at her door. With Emma in my arms, I open the door, slightly surprised to see who was on the other side.

 

“Julie?”

 

“Hey, Kell…do you want to grab coffee?” Julie asked softly.

 

I accept her invitation, “Sure, give us a few minutes- Elliot just woke up.”

 

Julie nods before taking Emma out of my hands, gushing over her bubbly demeanor and giving me time to help Elliot get ready for the day. We eventually make it out of the hotel and walk to the coffee shop that was popular among the team during the tournament years ago. We each ordered a cup of coffee before sitting down to catch up with each other.

 

“So how’s the team?” I ask.

 

“Good. We’re good…”

 

“You all starting to prep for next year’s world cup?”

 

“Yeah…Jill’s been looking at the player pool and trying to figure out the most effective starting players.”

 

“Makes sense…” I say before taking a sip of my coffee.

 

Julie looks down, and after a moment of silence, she shares, “I was named captain.”

 

My eyes light up- I’m truly happy for my former teammate. I exclaim, “Julie! That’s awesome! Wow, that’s such good news…”

 

She sighs, “I don’t know.”

 

“You’re going to be a great leader. It might be nerve-wracking at first, but you know the team well. You’ve been a part of it from such a young age.”

 

“I…I know it’s an honor, but I don’t know if I’m ready. I just…”

 

Before she could continue, Emma starts tugging at my shirt, clearly getting antsy from being in one place.

 

“Mama….” Emma whines.

 

I pick her up and place her on my other side, near Elliot. “Sweetie, sit still.”

 

Emma squirms out of my grasp, accidentally nudging Elliot in the arm. He frowns, “Ouch! Emma stop it!”

 

I sigh, “Buddy, will you just keep her occupied for a couple minutes?” I glance over to Julie and apologize and mouth, _I’m sorry_. She just nods in understanding.

 

“No! She kicked me!” Elliot refused, trying to shove his little sister away.

 

“Elliot, please…”

 

Luckily, I hear familiar voices behind me and turn around. Meghan and Morgan had just walked in, heading straight for our table.

 

“Hey guys!”

 

Julie greets them and I let out a quick hello before turning back to the kids.

 

Meghan frowned, “Having trouble?”

 

“They’re just being fussy.” I respond.

 

Noticing that Julie and I were in mid conversation, Morgan offers, “Kelley, we can take them off your hands for a little bit.

 

Meghan nods vigorously, “Yeah! It’s been awhile since we spent time with the kiddos.”

 

I look at them gratefully and turn to Emma and Elliot, “Hey guys, do you want to go with Aunty Kling and Aunty Moe?”

 

Elliot shrugs, indifferent to a lot of things lately, and Emma just smiles as she usually does. Morgan takes her out of my hands and the four of them walk out.

 

I turn back to Julie, “I’m sorry about that.”

 

“No, no…it’s alright.”

 

“So what’s making you so nervous? Like I said, you’re more than ready for this.”

 

“I guess…I’ve been talking to Cap, well Christie, about it all and it’s been helpful.”

 

“That’s good…Christie is a great person to talk to.” 

 

I don’t know what I just said, but Julie breaks down into tears right in front of me. She places her head in her hands, trying her best to calm herself down. I try and comfort her, taking her hands in mine, “Hey, it’s okay…I know it’s a lot, but…”

 

She interrupts, looking up at me with her tear stained face, “I’d do anything to talk to her one more time…”

 

I suddenly realize what she’s talking about and give her a sad smile, “I know…I know.”

 

“I have so many things to ask her…I just, I want to lead like her. I want to _be_ like her.”

 

“Julie…” I begin, taking a deep breath, “Hope adored you.”

 

Letting out sobs once more, Julie managed to reply, “Sh…she helped me so much that year, and I…I could never repay her. She took me under her wing and she was so kind, yet so challenging, and I…I don’t think I could’ve made it out of that tournament without her.”

 

I nod, “You’re going to be a great captain. You know, Hope thought of you so highly- she always told me how special you were to her. If she was here right now, she’d be so proud of you…I’m really proud of you.”

 

Julie wipes her tears away and mumbles, “Thanks, Kell…I hope you know how much she meant to me. She was so good to me.”

 

“I know.”

 

We get up to leave and I pull her in for a hug. We walk back to the hotel to meet up with everyone else. We had decided it might be fun to stroll around downtown Vancouver for a bit. We had an incredible time together, hitting up all the places we loved going to years ago during the tournament. It felt good to be with the girls again.

 

After lunch, we were on our way back to the hotel when Elliot and Emma started acting up again. I really don’t even know how their argument began.

 

“Mommm,” Elliot whines, “Emma keeps walking in front of me.”

 

I sigh, “Buddy, she’s just trying to play with you.”

 

“But Mommm…”

 

“It’s really not that big of deal…you’re okay.”

 

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Emma bounce close to Elliot again and out of frustration, I see him bump into her forcefully, knocking her to the ground. Of course, Emma’s now on the floor, starting to shriek.

 

I pick her up, clearly annoyed with my son, “Knock it off, Elliot. Was that really necessarily? She didn’t mean to bump into you.”

 

“She’s in my way!” Elliot protested, getting louder and whinier.

 

“You know she’s just goofing off.”

 

Elliot glares at me, making my heart clench. He shouts, “You always take her side!” He starts to tear up and soon he’s crying as well.

 

I’m taken aback by his statement, but try and ignore it so I can get Emma to stop shrieking. Seeing that I’m struggling, Alex offered, “Let me take her, Kell.”

 

I hand her over for the second time today, incredibly grateful for my teammates’ support. We finally get to the hotel and I pull Elliot aside. He was still pouting.

 

“Buddy, what’s going on?” I bend down to his level.

 

He shrugs- that’s the only thing he knows how to do these days. 

 

“You’ve been so irritable lately…I don’t understand.” I point out.

 

Carli walks over, “Come on, I think everyone needs to rest this afternoon before we meet up later again…Elliot how does a nap sound?”

 

He just nods and walks off with Carli. I shake my head, not knowing what to do with him. I feel someone approach my side.

 

“Want to talk about it?”

 

I look at Heather, both a mentor and a friend to me for so many years, and I reply, “I don’t know what’s going on with him.”

 

“I’ve noticed how short he’s been lately.”

 

“Exactly! It’s like he’s just so exhausted these days. He normally doesn’t complain like this. He doesn’t get worked up over little things, but everything seems to be setting him off lately.”

 

Heather nods, “He’s very withdrawn…you know, Kell, I don’t know if there’s much you can do in these type of situations.”

 

“I’m his mom though...” I feel helpless.

 

“I know, but there’s only so much you can take. I think the best thing you can do is to keep talking to him…keep letting him know you’re there for him.”

 

She gives me a hug and I just murmur, “Thanks, HAO.”

 

-

 

We all meet up again later in the afternoon. We learn from Carli that Hope somehow booked out Vancouver BC Place stadium for us to have for a few hours. Just our team alone. We arrive and after much small talk over how much of a “déjà vu” this all was, we decide to do what we knew best- a team scrimmage.

 

Everyone is either warming up or getting their cleats on, and as I do the same, I overhear a little conversation between Becky and my son.

 

“Where are your cleats, my little friend?”

 

“Didn’t bring them.” Elliot responded quietly.

 

“Why not? You’re always up for a soccer game…just like your mommy.”

 

Elliot sighs and looks longingly at the field, “I don’t think I want to play anymore, Aunty Broon.”

 

Becky’s jaw dropped in exaggeration, “You can’t be serious! You were born to play soccer, kid…look at your mommies. They love the game.”

 

“But mommy isn’t around anymore, so I just don’t want to play…”

 

I see Becky’s expression soften as she side hugs my son. She looks him straight in the eye, “Do you want to know a little secret?”

 

Elliot perks up and nods vigorously. She chuckles softly, “So every time I play soccer, I pretend that your mommy is my goalie. When I was part of her backline, her voice was so calming and it made me feel safe…it made me feel like I could do anything. Even though she isn’t here anymore, I still pretend because she gives me confidence. She makes me look good.”

 

Elliot looks down, not saying a word, so Becky continues and softly rubs his back, “I know it must be hard to not have your mom around, especially when you and her played so much together…but I really think she would want you to keep playing. And if it helps, you can do what I do…just imagine her in goal with you.”

 

My son simply shrugs- still no response. Becky sighs and concludes, “Just think about it, okay, buddy? And if you need anything, you can always talk to your mom or any of us here…we’re all here for you, and we love you just as much as mommy did.”

 

With that, Becky jumped off the bench and started a warmup jog. I shake off the feeling of wanting to cry, and join my teammates as we begin our scrimmage. It felt great to play with the team again…not only was it stress relieving for everyone, but it truly felt like old times- the old laughs, jokes, and camaraderie. Everyone seemed to be doing okay, except for one particular person.

 

Megan.

 

I, along with everyone else, knew something was a bit off. I’ve been watching her all day and she wasn’t the usual happy go lucky “Pinoe” that we all knew and loved. Ever since arriving in Vancouver, she had been a little quiet- a little withdrawn. Now as we played together, she seemed to be taking the game a lot more serious than the rest of us- yelling and making aggressive tackles.

 

I slowly jog up field, tracking her as she dribbled the ball alone and make a shot on goal.

 

She misses. And with no one guarding her, she really shouldn’t have missed- and she knows it too.

 

By the look on her face, I know she’s upset and I see her head hang low, and she curses loudly. It’s loud enough for Ashlyn, in goal, to scold her.

 

“Megan, your language.”

 

Ignoring her, she shakes her head to herself vigorously and swears again, “ _Fuck._ I should’ve made that…shit. Damn it.”

 

Ashlyn cautiously approaches her, “Hey, it’s okay…”

 

“Fuck, just leave me alone.” She shoves Ashlyn back, and walks to one of the goal posts, leaning her head against it.

 

Most of my teammates are in shock, but some look like they’re about to intervene. I jog over before anyone else could.

 

“What’s going on, guys?” I ask innocently. I turn to Pinoe, “Megan, it’s just a game…missing the shot isn’t that big of a deal.”

 

I can see her breathing deeply and after a few moments, she finally looks up at me, and tears are streaming down her face.

 

“Sh…she left us.”

 

I bite my lip- not expecting this reaction out of her whatsoever. There haven’t been many times I’ve seen Pinoe so upset like this.

 

She wraps a hand around the goal post and looks longingly at the now empty net. She shakes her head.

 

“I…I know it’s not her fault…but…but I just don’t understand. She left you. She left the kids. She left me. She left the team. She left _all of us_. And…and she’s never coming back.”

 

I slowly approach her, not wanting to set her off anymore, but it’s too late. She screams one last night.

 

“ _Damn it, Hope! We miss you!”_

I see my bleach blonde friend break down before me and I use it as an opportunity to embrace her. She allows me to do so, and I just hug her tight. There’s nothing else I can say to make her feel better because the reality of this whole thing is that it just sucks. It is what it is and we have to let ourselves grieve.

 

Now that we’re both in tears, I sense footsteps walking over and people beginning to hover. One by one, everyone gathers around and soon, we’re all standing in the middle of the goal.

 

 _Her_ goal.

 

And it’s not like any other team huddle we’ve had before.

 

There’s no smiling. There’s no disappointed looks that reflect a loss. There’s no cracking jokes or sharing of laughs between one another. There’s just the twenty two of us at our most vulnerable.

 

But we’re together, and that’s all that really matters.

 

Together, we know we stand strong.

 

Together, we know we’re going to heal and find the closure we all need.

 

We stand in silence, arms around each other, until I look up and lock eyes with Abby. If this were ten years ago, she’d be screaming her head off and getting us pumped for a game. Never would we have thought that the next time we’d be standing on this field together, we’d be mourning one of our own.

 

So instead of her usual yelling and exclamations, her voice echoes softly- not throughout the stadium, but just loud enough for us to hear. This was _our_ moment just like it was our moment years ago on that summer day.

 

“We love you, Hope.”  


	14. Video Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Family means the world to you, Kelley, and I’m so thankful that you’ve shared that with me. Even though I’m gone now, I don’t want you to think of family any less…”

The trip to Vancouver was refreshing and couldn’t have gone any better. While a lot of us are still hurting, we know that we have each other and that we’ll reach closure one day. I really couldn’t have asked for a better team.

 

Returning home is a whole different story though. I’m still trying to figure out how to get my life back on track, trying to create a new normal for me and the kids- but that’s the problem. Elliot’s demeanor isn’t looking up and I almost feel like he’s shutting down more and more each day. I, as well as many others, can’t seem to get through to him. I guess the solution to that will manifest in its own time, so for now, I’ll just wait.

 

Carli dropped off another video the other day and to be honest, I’ve been avoiding it. As she handed it to me, she warned me, _Just take your time with this one, alright?_ I didn’t question her because my mind reverted back to her warning many days ago- how she hinted that the second half of these videos might not reflect the Hope we had gotten used to seeing.

 

Tonight, after putting the children to bed, I curl up on the couch and mentally prepare myself for the video. I know that I’ll eventually need to press play, but I fiddle with the remote for quite some time anyways. I somehow gain an ounce of courage and the television flashes on.

 

I quietly gasp to myself and I press the pause button as quickly as possible. I start to tremble at the sight of her. She’s lost weight, her skin is paler, and there are bags starting to form under her eyes. She’s not just tired anymore; she’s exhausted. I wasn’t ready to see her like this again- clearly so sick and so rundown. There was clearly a large gap of time between the last

 

I press play again.

 

“Kelley…” She croaks and looks down at herself, sighing, “I know this might be hard for you to watch and I’m sorry for putting you through this again…but we still have some unfinished business. I want to talk to you about our family.”

 

Before she continues, she erupts into one of her many coughing fits. I can’t take it anymore and I pause the video for a second time. I feel my heartrate rise and I quickly reach for my phone.

 

“C…Carli?”

 

“Kell?”

 

“I just can’t… really can’t…she…she…”

 

“Whoa, slow down…Kelley, what’s going on?” 

 

“Carli, I don’t want to…I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t. I can’t watch her like this.”

 

Carli, finally realizing what I’m calling about, responds firmly, “Kelley, you can do this. You have to do this.”

 

“No… I can’t.”

 

“You need to watch this video, Kell. You can’t move on unless you do.”

 

I know she’s right.

 

“I promise you’ll be okay. I want you to hang up and press play. You can call me when you’re done, but you can’t give up now. These last couple videos are the most important, okay? This is going to help you, Kell.”

 

I swallow back another wave of tears and I nod, mumbling, “O…okay.”

 

My heartbeat steadies, and for the final time today, I hit play.

 

-

 

_Hand in hand, they crossed the threshold together._

_Breathing in the fresh paint and newly installed wood floors, Hope smiled, “This is home now.”_

_Kelley, bursting with excitement, just nodded, “Not too shabby for our first place together, huh?”_

_After getting married, Kelley moved in with Hope for the first couple months before they decided that they needed to start fresh- they needed a new place they could call their own. After much searching, they finally settled down on a two story home in a low key neighborhood on the outskirts of Seattle. The home had a view of Lake Washington, but it’s most prized feature was the acres attached to it- plenty of room for backyard garden parties, impromptu family soccer games, and of course, Hope’s chickens. It was perfect._

_Touring the house for what seemed like the hundredth time, Kelley pulled Hope into one of the many extra bedrooms in their home. Leaning against her, she absentmindedly asked,_

_“So how many?”_

_“Hm? How many what?”_

_“Kids.”_

_“Kids?” Hope broke their embrace to look directly at Kelley._

_“Yeah, our tiny humans…how many do you want?”_

_Hope softly laughed, “You want to have this conversation right now?”_

_“Well yeah, I mean…doesn’t this look like a pretty decent sized bedroom for a kid? If we’re going to live in this house, we might as well start delegating who gets each room.”_

_Hope shook her head at the younger woman’s eagerness, “Alright, that’s fair…hmm, well, how many do you want?”_

_“Four.”_

_“What?”_

_“I want four.” Kelley shrugged like it wasn’t that big of a deal._

_“No way.” Hope argued, “One.”_

_Now it was Kelley’s turn to object, “One?! Absolutely not. Our kid would be a loner.”_

_“More like he or she would be an only child.” Hope corrected._

_“What’s so wrong with having a lot of siblings?”_

_“Well look how you turned out.” Hope teased._

_“Hey!”_

_“I’m kidding, I’m kidding…look, we all know you’re a child at heart. I doubt we can handle more than one.”_

_“Come on, Hope, have some faith in us.”_

_“Sorry, Kell.”_

_“Fine. I’m willing to compromise. Three.”_

_“No!”_

_“What now? We’d only need one car, so that’s a plus.”_

_Hope retorted, “We’d still be outnumbered!”_

_By the look in Hope’s eyes, Kelley knew she wasn’t budging, so she hugged, “Fineeee…two.”_

_Hope couldn’t believe she was giving in, but the corners of her mouth were already turning upward at the thought of two little ones running around the house._

_She finally agreed, “Alright…two it is.”_

 

-

 

“Family.” Hope continues after getting rid of her cough. “I’m not just talking about you, me, and the kids…I’m talking about our _whole_ family. My mom, your siblings, our nephews and nieces, your parents…everyone.”

 

I’m still on the couch, still trying to get through all this in one piece.

 

“Family means the world to you, Kelley, and I’m so thankful that you’ve shared that with me. Even though I’m gone now, I don’t want you to think of family any less…”

 

She continues to speak, but my mind has already drifted off.

 

-

 

_While out on their Sunday morning long run together, Hope quickly swerved off the trail and into the bushes, emptying out the contents of her stomach. Kelley, concerned, quickly followed her._

_Hope sighed in defeat, “I don’t understand why my body is so upset with me lately.”_

_“Are you sure this isn’t food poisoning?”_

_“I’ve been feeling sick all week…it can’t be food poisoning. And I’m fine for the rest of the day- I’m usually most nauseous right after I wake up.”_

_Kelley felt her already high heart rate increase even more as everything suddenly dawned upon her._

_“What? What do you know?” Hope raised an eyebrow at the look of Kelley’s facial expression.”_

_“Oh…oh my god.”_

_“What? Kelley, you’re making me nervous.”_

_“Holy shit.”_

_“Kelley!”_

_“You’re pregnant.”_

_Color suddenly left Hope’s face, and Kelley was sure she was going to retch once more. But she just muttered, “N…no way.”_

_Kelley frowned, “What do you mean no way? We went through the whole process.”_

_Hope was still flabbergasted, “B…but the doctors said it could take up to a year for anything to actually happen…”_

_“Well…” Kelley took out her phone to look at the date, “It looks like we’re ten months ahead of the game on this one.”_

_“Wh…what?”_

_“We’re going to have a baby.” Kelley’s eyes sparkled with pure joy._

_“No…no we’re not. I’m not ready.” On the contrary, Hope’s eyes widened with fear._

_“Well you better get ready, Solo!”_

_And with that, Kelley jumped onto the taller woman, wrapping her legs around her waist- announcing loud and clear to the runners passing by that the two of them were going to be parents._

-

 

“Kelley, if Carli’s been showing you these videos according to plan, then the holidays should be right around the corner. It’s going to be hard, I know, and it would devastate me to know that you’re going to go through it alone. So, I’ve already told Carli to talk to everyone and take care of it, but I want you to spend the holidays with your family. If anything, your family will help make things a bit easier for you guys…I wouldn’t want it any other way, okay? Take the kids home to Georgia.”

 

I shake my head. She really thought all of this through, and the least I could do was respect her wishes. It wouldn’t be long before I find myself back in Peachtree City once again.


	15. Fayetteville

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley figures out why Elliot has been so irritable lately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for posting a chapter like this especially with Abby retiring this week and all...:(

Abiding by Hope’s request, I book tickets to Georgia. My parents are over the moon that we’ll be spending Christmas with them and I can’t help but be excited as well. It’s been awhile since I’ve spent the holidays at home with my family.

 

The night before we leave, I’m up late packing last minute things. I get everything ready to go downstairs so that we can head out as quickly as possible in the morning, but as I finally head to bed around 2 AM, I notice the light on a few doors down the hallway- in our family’s soccer paraphernalia room.

 

The one that’s supposed to be locked.

 

I cautiously approach the room and peak my head in, surprised at what I see.

 

“Elliot?”

 

My son jerks his head in my direction, his deep blue eyes startled, “I…I’m sorry, Mommy, I…”

 

I step into the room as I feel my expression soften, “No, it’s alright…how’d you get in here?”

 

He quietly admits, “Pinoe taught me how to pick a lock.”

 

 _Of course she did,_ I think to myself. I raise an eyebrow and shake my head, “I’m going to have to talk with your Aunty Pinoe about raising you to be a little criminal.”  

 

I let out a small laugh, hoping to warrant one from my little guy in front of me. He doesn’t smile, his demeanor remaining dull. I sigh and take a seat next to him on the floor.

 

“Buddy, how come you aren’t asleep?”

 

Elliot shrugs. Tonight, I decide that I’m not taking this reaction anymore. I’m determined to get to the bottom of all this.

 

“Please talk to me, sweetie.” I urge as I gently stroke his soft hair.

 

Elliot brings his knees to his chest and though he doesn’t look at me, he murmurs, “I can’t sleep.”

 

“Why?” I reluctantly ask, afraid that his response will break my heart.

 

“Because if I sleep, sometimes I don’t dream about Mommy…and I don’t want to go one moment without thinking about her.”

 

It takes every ounce of my being to refrain from breaking down. How do I respond to that? How do I tell him that it’s okay to move on, that it’s okay to not think about Hope all the time? He won’t understand that. She’s his mother for crying out loud, and God forbid I take anything more away from him.

 

I sigh, realizing this is why he’s been so irritable lately. He can’t sleep. I ask, “Do you come in here every night?”

 

He nods, just as I expect him to. He curls up further into his little ball and whispers, “I don’t want to forget.”

 

This is something he’s repeated over and over to me. It’s probably his greatest fear at the moment and I have to admit that it’s mine too. How are we supposed to go forward and hold onto something of the past all at the same time?

 

Instead of responding with my usual response of _Buddy, you won’t ever forgot her,_ I find myself doing something else. My eyes scan the bookshelves in front of us, holding our most prized possessions when it came to soccer. The shelves are lined with everything from pictures to soccer balls to Hope’s golden gloves. I discretely look back and forth between Elliot and the shelves, and I realize how much he doesn’t know about our previous chapter in life. He knew that our job was to play soccer, and we ingrained that spirit into him from a young age, but we never sat down with him to share details. That was something Hope and I were going to share as he got older.

 

I decide that’s going to change tonight.

 

I point to a picture on one of the shelves, the one that Hope posted on social media in Vancouver of just the two of us checking out the pitch in Montreal.

 

“I love that picture of your Mommy and I. You see, at the moment that picture was taken, we had no idea that we would play our favorite match of the tournament the very next day.”

 

Intrigued, Elliot looks at me and asks, “The final?”

 

I shake my head, “No, it was a game against Germany…the semi-final, actually.”

 

Elliot was now confused, “But everyone likes to talk about the final game as their favorite.”

 

I smile thinking back on those memories, “Not for your Mom and I. It’s my favorite game because I scored my very first international goal that day.”

 

Elliot’s tired eyes manage to light up, “Really?!”

 

I feel my smile only get bigger as I playfully nudge him, “Hey, don’t act so surprised.”

 

The corners of Elliot’s mouth begin to turn upward, and my heart skips a beat. I haven’t seen that smile in so long. I haven’t seen _her_ smile in so long.

 

I continue, “But there’s another reasons why that is my favorite match…your mommy managed to prevent one of the best strikers in the world from making a penalty kick.”

 

Elliot’s eyes grew huge in disbelief, “She did?!”

 

“Yeah, it was pretty awesome.”

 

“How?”

 

I can hear Hope’s voice in my head, “She likes to say she used ‘the force’…”

 

“The force? What’s that?”

 

I frown, not really knowing the answer to that question. I chuckle, “To be honest, I don’t know…your mom’s pretty special.”

 

With a dead serious tone in his voice, Elliot asks, “Do you think I could use the force?”

 

“Oh definitely,” I reassure him, “You are your mother’s son after all…”

 

I earn an even bigger smile from him. Catching me off guard, he snuggles closer into me, laying his head against my shoulder. I hold him close and soon, I find myself talking about the infamous final. He’s heard about this game a million times from Carli, who will never let him forget the fact that she had sent a ball flying into goal all the way from midfield. But this time around, I talk about the game from my point of view, from Hope’s point of view- and how she shed a tear as Carli ran all the way back to her to celebrate.

 

The tournament becomes alive again as I go on and on about it, and before I know it, Elliot is sound asleep in my arms.  

 

-

 

We thoroughly enjoy ourselves in Georgia. Both my siblings were able to spend Christmas with my parents as well, so it was a pretty big O’Hara gathering. We spent most of our time eating, catching up, and playing our favorite family game- Settles of Catan. I think it was good for Elliot to have this as a distraction and it seemed like he was actually having a good time with all his cousins.

 

As Elliot sits with his Uncle Jerry, who is teaching him all the tricks to the board game, I watch from afar with my sister.

 

Erin begins, “I’m really glad you decided to spend Christmas at home this year.”

 

“Me too.”

 

Erin reads me like an open book and I know the pain still in my eyes gives me away. She sighs, “I know, Kell…I wish she was here, too. But you’re going to be okay.”

 

I smile sadly, my eyes still fixed on the rest of our family gathered in the living room. I just nod, trying to reassure myself, “I’ll be okay.”

 

Erin follows my line of sight and compliments, “You’re doing good with them, you know.”

 

I murmur, “Really?”

 

The sarcasm in my voice must’ve been too apparent as Erin noted, “You sound taken aback by that…everything okay?”

 

“Elliot’s having an incredibly hard time.”

 

“Oh, yeah…you mentioned that last time you called. Has he been extra difficult because his temper is so short?”

 

“Well, actually, before coming here, I finally figured out what caused his mood swings. He’s been cranky because he hasn’t been sleeping.” I hear my own voice crack, “He…he’s been keeping himself up at night because he doesn’t want to go a moment without thinking about Hope.”

 

Erin puts a hand on my shoulder and softly murmurs, “Oh, Kelley…”

 

“The last couple nights have been better though because I’ve sort of found a way to get him to sleep. I talk to him about Hope until he falls asleep.”

 

“Well how long does that take?”

 

I shrug, “About an hour…sometimes longer.”

 

“I’m sure he’ll go to sleep on his own eventually…it’s just going to take time.”

 

“Yeah…maybe.” The lack of confidence obvious in my voice.

 

Just as we talked about tonight, I find myself lying in bed with Elliot by myside. I look over at the clock as it turns 1 AM, completely exhausted. Elliot normally shows up around midnight, gently waking me up and whispering, _Will you tell me a story about Mommy?_

I tell him about the time Hope and I were roomates, and how annoyed she was by me flicking on the lights whenever I came in late at night.

 

I tell him about the period of two weeks where we refused to talk to each other because she wanted to name him “Luke Skywalker” in honor of her Stars War addiction and I was adamant that we didn’t.

 

I tell him about how Hope always sat at the back of the bus on the way to games, and how I would shoot her paper airplanes until she allowed me to sit next to her.

 

I tell him all about her.

 

And the problem isn’t that I’m running out of things to talk about- I could go on forever about Hope, but it’s taking away from my sleep. It’s truly tiring. But if this is the only way that Elliot is able to get some sleep, I’m more than happy to oblige.

 

I yawn once again, noticing that Elliot is for sure sound asleep. I plant a soft kiss on the side of his head and look up to the ceiling, as if I can communicate with Hope loud and clear. Never in my life did I think I would be doing this alone.

 

“I’m trying to do my best with them, Hope…I really am trying.”  

 


	16. Video Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Alright, let’s talk about mini Solo and O’hara, shall we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for keeping up with this story!

It’s the New Year now and Elliot’s problem with sleeping has persisted. It’s getting to the point where I’m keeping myself awake until midnight, knowing he’s bound to show up and crawl into bed with me. Tonight, I’m trying something different.

 

“Elliot?” I knock on his door.

 

“Yeah?” Elliot stares back at me.

 

I walk over and take a seat on his bed, holding a small framed picture. “Hey, I have something for you.”

 

Elliot takes the framed picture and looks at it in detail. It’s a picture of Hope. He smiles back up at me and comments, “I like this picture of Mommy.”

 

“Me too.” I explain why I’m giving it to him, “I was thinking you could put this on your nightstand, so that every day when it’s time for bed, you can talk to Mommy and say goodnight. That’s what I like to do.”

 

Elliot nods slowly, “Okay…”

 

“I think she’ll like it if you tell her how your day went or how you’re feeling or really if you just want to say goodnight.”

 

“Thanks, Momma.”

 

“Anytime, bud…now get some rest.” I kiss the side of his forehead as he lays down to sleep.

 

I feel like that went a lot better than expected and I’m pretty proud of myself for coming up with it. But just like every night, Elliot somehow ends up in my bed around midnight again, begging me to tell him more about Hope. I sigh and oblige, not knowing how else to fix this and wishing more than anything that Hope was around. She’d know what to do.

 

And that’s when it hits me.

 

The very next morning, I call Carli and ask, “Hey, will you send me the next video? I have a feeling I know what Hope’s going to talk about.”

 

-

 

It pains me to see Hope so weak and fragile on my screen, but I tell myself that it’s no different from when I was physically with her during this time- and somehow that helps me look past her deteriorating health and listen solely to her message for me. I press play.

 

“Alright, let’s talk about mini Solo and O’hara, shall we?”

 

I knew it.

 

Hope would have never forgotten about them, and knew that I would probably need some help with all this. I sigh and whisper, “Thank God.”

 

Though her lack of energy is evident in the form of her laying on the couch, a spark in her eye shines as she begins to talk about our children.

 

“Like I’ve said many times before, I wouldn’t have wanted any other woman to raise children with. I know it took some convincing on my part to have kids, but I couldn’t be happier. I would do anything for them and I know you would too. Honestly, Kell, they’re the best things that have ever happened to us.”

 

I smile, thinking back on our earliest days as parents. I look at the Hope on my screen and together, we whisper,

 

“Our little adventures.”

 

-

 

_“Hope, you’ve been standing there for a good ten minutes. Let’s go.” Kelley urged, with both hands on her hips._

_Elliot James O’Hara Solo was born just a mere two days ago. He had a full head of hair and his eyes reflected a deep blue ocean. In just the 48 hours of knowing the little guy, Kelley would jokingly admit that she could get lost swimming in his eyes and that it might take hours to find her. Hope would laugh and Kelley would look up at her, getting lost all over again in the deep blues of her own._

_The doctor had just discharged the new family and now the new parents stood facing each other, with a pair of sliding doors in between them._

_Hope looked down at the tiny bundle in her arms and sighed, “Just give me another minute.”_

_“You said that five minutes ago!”_

_Kelley rolled her eyes before approaching her wife. Hope didn’t want to leave the hospital, out of fear that Elliot might get hurt in “the big bad world,” as she liked to put it._

_Kelley urged again, “Come on, he’ll be just fine. Look, I already set up his car seat and everything.”_

_Hope raised an eyebrow at the younger woman._

_“Geez, if we’re going to raise this little guy together, you’ve got to start giving me more credit.”_

_“Kelley…” Hope said in a warning tone._

_“Okay, fine, Pinoe helped me.”_

_“Kelley!” Hope’s eyes widened._

_Kelley snorted, “Kidding! I’m kidding. Lighten up, Hope…don’t worry, I got the guy at the store to set it up for me and I double checked its safety ratings with the firefighter department just like you asked me to. So will you please just get in the car now?”_

_Hope looked nervously between Elliot in her arms and their car in the parking lot, “When was the last time we got our car checked out? You know, cars can be very unpredictable and we wouldn’t want to get into…”_

_Kelley interrupted her wife, placing both of her hands on her shoulders. “Hope Solo, stop freaking out.”_

_“I know…I know…”_

_A part of Kelley found it super endearing that Hope was already so overprotective as a mother. The other part of her was just dying to get home. She looked straight into Hope’s eyes and smiled, “Just think of him as an adventure. We don’t know where he’s going to take us for the rest of our lives and he’ll be the reason for lots of ups and lots of downs. But in the end, he’s our little adventure, and there’s something real special about that.”_

_Hope found herself breathing normally again and as she took her first step into the fresh air, she mumbled quietly, “Our little adventure.”_

_Though it took them twice as long, due to Hope yelling at Kelley every time the car sped up past 25 mph, the little family finally arrived home. While Hope gathered their belongings, Kelley unbuckled Elliot, placed him in his carrier, and began walking to the front door._

_As Kelley fiddled with the lock, Hope commented from a couple feet behind, “Hey, watch out for-”_

_Before Hope could finish her sentence, Kelley had tripped over the protruding door ledge and lost balance, causing her to stumble through the doorway and abruptly handle the baby carrier. Kelley sheepishly looked at Hope and mouthed, “Oops!”_

_Hope dropped all their bags and rushed into the house, just past the doorframe. She cradled Elliot in her arms and hissed at her wife, “Holy shit, Kelley. I can’t believe you dropped our kid.”_

_“For the record, I did not drop him. I dropped the baby carrier…and he just happened to be in it!”_

_Hope swayed back and forth with their child, wanting to wrap him in bubble wrap forever. She cooed, “You’re okay, baby boy…”_

_“He’s not even crying, Hope.”_

_Hope glared before she continued to rock their son in her arms._

_Kelley rolled her eyes, “You know, if you’re so worried about our kid entering this ‘big bad world,’ you might want to watch your language. Instead of holy…”_

_Kelley immediately stopped talking as Hope’s head turned to her. If looks could kill, she’d be dead for the millionth time. She backed away slowly and muttered, “I’m going to get the rest of the bags…”_

_Overprotective Hope only got worse as Elliot grew up. Kelley liked to refer to her as “Mother Hen,” much to her dismay (although Hope would quickly grow fond of her title). Hope’s cautiousness as a mother seemed to wear off on Elliot, who grew up on the shy side. This was quite surprising to a lot of people, knowing that his parents were Hope and Kelley. But what wasn’t so surprising was his tenacity and edginess on the field. As soon as he could walk, he learned to play soccer. He was quick, just like Kelley, and would make a great forward one day, but he proclaimed, “I want to be a goalie like Mommy” and that was that. He was set on that and nothing could change his mind._

_After signing him up for a kid’s club and coming home from practice one day, Hope returned home with Elliot. The four year old ran walked through the house until he found Kelley in her bedroom. Taking one look at her son, she exclaimed,_

_“What happened to you, Buddy?!”_

_Elliot had a huge bandage across his forehead. “I headed the ball, Momma!”_

_Hope came rushing in with anti-infection cream and a package of bandages. Kelley stifled a laugh as she shook her head at the chaotic expression on her wife’s face. “Well, you’re a hot mess.”_

_Hope ignored Kelley’s comment and bent down in front of Elliot, “Buddy, we should change your bandage. I can see blood getting to the edges. If the bleeding doesn’t stop, we’re going to have to bring you to the emergency room. You might need stitches and…”_

_Noticing the fear suddenly creeping onto their son’s face, Kelley interrupted, “Hope, stop. You’re scaring him. Hey, buddy, it’ll be okay- why don’t you run off and play?”_

_Elliot ran off and Hope looked at Kelley desperately, “Soccer’s too dangerous.”_

_Kelley laughed out loud this time, “Says the previous number one goalkeeper in the world! Hope, he’s a tough boy on the field. He’ll be fine.”_

_“I don’t know…he just goes for the ball, Kell. He’s not afraid of anything when he’s out there.”_

_“He learned that from the best.”_

_“God, that kid takes years off my life.” Hope sighed as she sat helplessly on their bed. “I can barely keep up with him sometimes! How can one kid be so much work?! I don’t know how Ali and Ashlyn do it with three kids under the age of five. They’re crazy.”_

_Hope rambled on to herself and realizing she had been the only one talking for the past few minutes, she looked up at Kelley, who looked like she was ready to burst with happiness._

_“Kell?” Hope raised an eyebrow._

_Kelley just shook her head and grinned._

_“What’s going on? That smirk on your face is making me nervous.”_

 

_Kelley shrugged as the mischievous sparkle in her eyes was now more apparent than before._

_“So is now a bad time to tell you I’m pregnant?”_

-

 

“I’m sorry.” Hope looks desperately through the screen at me. “I’m sorry for leaving you alone to raise them. I swear, I would do anything to be with you guys.”

 

 _I know you would, Hope, I know_.

 

Tears are rolling down her face and I feel their sting as they brim my own eyes as well. She manages to choke out,

 

“I…I wish I could be there to see them grow up. I wish I could see Elliot lead the national team to its first world cup victory because let’s be honest, it’s about damn time the men pull their shit together.”

 

I laugh, wiping my tears away. The men _still_ haven’t earned their first star.

 

“I wish I could be the one to interrogate Emma’s first boyfriend. I just…I wish I could be there for it all, but the reality is, I won’t be. That scares me, Kell. I don’t want them to forget me.” Hope pleads.

 

Jesus, why does everyone think she’ll be forgotten? She’ll never be forgotten.

 

-

 

_“Oh for fuck’s sake, someone KNOCK ME OUT!” Kelley squirmed in pain, her eyes completely bloodshot from the lack of rest over the past day, well past month, really._

_Hope paced back and forth in the small hospital room, ridden with anxiety._

_“And YOU, stop pacing! It’s making me dizzy!” Kelley closed her eyes and gritted her teeth._

_Before Hope could respond, the doctor stepped into the room. Hope gripped the doctor’s arm, begging him, “Will someone please give her more meds?!”_

_“I’m sorry, but she’s maxed out on meds at the moment.”_

_Kelley groaned into her pillow, “Then why can I fucking still feel everything?!”_

_“Well, that’s a good sign, Kelley. It’s time.”_

_Hope felt her heart skip a beat as she realized that in just a few moments, they’d be holding their little girl._

_“Oh, THANK GOD. Let’s get this over done with already!” Kelley exclaimed, glad to hear that it was finally time to get through the last stage of labor._

_An hour into pushing, Hope winced as Kelley screamed into her ear. She whispered her love to Kelley as often as she could, gripping her hand as tight as possible. She couldn’t bear to see her wife in so much pain._

_“I’m sorry, Kell…we’re almost done.”_

_Kelley laid her head back against the pillow, sweat dripping down the side of her face. “It’s been an hour! How in God’s name did you do this so fast?!”_

_“With Elliot?” Hope furrowed her brow, thinking back to when she was in labor and how the world welcomed Elliot in a matter of minutes. “I mean, it was pretty easy…”_

_“EASY?! I SWEAR TO GOD, HOPE, IF YOU POINT OUT HOW EASY THIS WAS FOR YOU, I WILL PERSONALLY RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND BURY YOUR REMAINS UNDER A FUCKING PITCH.”_

_“Kell, I wasn’t trying to…” Hope’s voice faded as she grimaced in pain due to Kelley digging her fingernails into her arms, signaling another wave of contractions._

_A grueling two hours later, the room had quieted down as Kelley now held a baby girl in her arms with Hope nestled right beside them._

_“She’s gorgeous.” Hope stared in awe, most fond of the little freckles beginning to pop up on the baby’s nose._

_The baby crinkled her nose as she let out a soft cry. Kelley tightened her grip and consoled, “Shhh, Emma, it’s okay. Momma’s here.”_

_Hope’s heart was overflowing with joy at the sight before her. She thought that giving birth to a child was special, but seeing Kelley, the woman she loved, holding their second child- their newest adventure- somehow topped it all._

_Kelley just looked up with her goofy grin on her face, “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”_

_Hope rolled her eyes and just kissed her wife’s forehead, muttering softly, “I love you, Kelley.”_

 

-

 

“But most of all, I don’t ever want them to forget how much I love them.”

 

I bite my life and think to myself, _What am I going to do?_

 

Hope is quick to answer my question. She explains, “There’s no doubt the kids are going to have a hard time with all this, and I don’t expect you to have all the answers or know exactly what to do. I for sure don’t. But I do have something that might help…”

 

I listen closely.

 

“In addition to all these, I have two bonus videos, if you will. I filmed them a long time ago, not knowing where this whole situation would take us one day. I wasn’t sure what to do with them at the time of filming nor do I really know what to do with them now, but I’m going to give them to Carli for safekeeping…so if you think you need them, just ask her for them.”

 

I already have the phone in my hand, ready to call up Carli once again.

 

“I have complete faith in you, Kell. I know the kids are in good hands. I’ll be watching over you, I promise…this is all just another adventure, isn’t it?”

_Yes, yes it is, Hope._ And I’m _definitely_ going to need those extra videos.

 


	17. Elliot and Emma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope leaves Elliot and Emma videos of their own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! Enjoy!

I’ve watched the two videos over and over again, one for each of our kids.

 

After her nap, I bring Emma to my bedroom. We cuddle on the bed, as she so often loves to do. I whisper softly into her hair,

 

“Do you miss Mommy?”

 

My little girl just nods. I know she’s still young to fully grasp everything, but sometimes she gets a look in her eyes that tells me otherwise. I hold her close, taking my laptop out of my nightstand drawer.

 

“Well, I have a little present for you, sweet girl.”

 

I hit play.

 

“Hey there baby girl.” Hope waves.

 

I see my own smile reflect onto Emma. She grabs the laptop closer, her eyes completely focused on her mother.

 

“I know I won’t be around as you grow up, but I want you to know that I’m always thinking of you. I wish I could be there for you in person, but under these circumstances, I can’t be. However, I do want to let you in on a couple secrets...a couple rules to live your life by.”

 

I feel Emma snuggle into me closer and I wrap both my arms around her.

 

“Rule One: Smile. Emma, your smile is contagious. It’s one of my favorite things about you and your Momma. Never stop laughing and always keep up with your silly antics, even if it drives your Momma off the wall. Trust me, she’s just as crazy as you. I wish all the happiness in the world for you.”

 

“Rule Two: Be Honest. Honesty can take you far in life- I think this will surprise you as you get older. Even if the truth is hard or not what you want to hear, learn to use your words and communicate your feelings. I had a hard time with this for quite some time and if I learned earlier to be honest not only with others, but with myself as well, then it could’ve saved me a lot of heart ache. Honest is the foundation for trust.”

 

“Rule Three: Never Give Up. Life is going to throw all sorts of things at you, sweet girl. I wish your Momma and I could protect you from all the bad you might encounter, but that’s nearly impossible. When things get rough, always remember to keep pushing forward. Whether you’re having a hard time in school, in a relationship, or in following your dreams, you’re going to be okay. Even if quitting sounds like the best option, there’s always a reason to keep going. Don’t let your mistakes define you; use them as a stepping stone to pick yourself back up again.”

 

I can hear Hope’s voice tremble as she begins to sign off, but she holds it together knowing that a cheery demeanor would probably be best for our little girl at the moment.

 

“Alright, if you live by those rules on a daily basis, I know you’ll succeed far in life, Emma. I love you, little squirrel, and don’t you ever forget that.”

 

With that, Hope blows a kiss into the screen before the video ends.

 

I await cautiously for Emma to say something, but she sits in silence. From the look on her face, I know that most of what Hope said had gone over her head, but I knew this video would become useful in the future. Right now, I think she was just glad to see Hope’s face once more.”

 

Emma’s brown eyes looks up at me, a smile growing on her face, and she begs, “Again! Again! Again!”

 

-

 

I pick up Elliot from school and I notice he’s upset as soon as gets into the car.

 

“Rough day at school, kid?”

 

He mumbles, “Yeah.”

 

“Wanna talk about it?” I press.

 

“I was watching some of my friends play soccer during recess today and a bully came over and told me that girls shouldn’t be allowed to play…”

 

“Is that so?” I raise an eyebrow as many memories and feelings flooded back.

 

“Yeah!” Elliot looked at me with disbelief in his eyes, “Which isn’t true because a lot of the girls in my class are really good.”

 

“Hm, that classmate of yours sounds like a real pain…”

 

“Then I told him that my mommies were soccer players too.”

 

“Nice one, Elliot.” I respond proudly, ruffling his hair. He shoves my hands away and I frown, “You alright, bud? Don’t let that bully bother you too much. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

 

“I told him that my mommy was the best goalkeeper in the whole world.”

 

 _Oh, so that’s where this is going,_ I think to myself. I cautiously reply, “And?”

 

“And he didn’t believe me.”

 

“Well you told the truth, Elliot…your mom _was_ the best keeper in the world.”

 

“He didn’t believe me.” Elliot muttered, looking down to his lap.

 

I continue to drive, but as we get nearer and nearer to the house, I notice tears beginning to fall from my son’s face. I finally pull into the garage and sigh.

 

“Elliot…”

 

“No! I don’t want to talk about it!” Elliot leapt out of the car and ran into the house.

 

Here we go again.

 

I let him cool off steam for a few hours before I gently knock on his bedroom door and let myself in. I notice him lying on his bed and go over to sit next to him.

 

“Elliot, you don’t have to talk to me right now if you don’t want to, but I do want to show you something…”

 

He rolls over, intrigued, and asks, “What is it?”

 

I stand up and extend my hand, “Come on, I’ll show you.”

 

I lead him into the living room and sit next to him on the couch. I take a deep breath. If this doesn’t help, then I don’t know what else will. My hands find the remote control.

 

“Mom?” Elliot’s voice cracks in a faint whisper.

 

My heart shatters and I have to look to the ceiling to blink away the tears as best as I could.

 

“Hey, Elliot.” Hope smiles sadly through the screen, and I know immediately that her disposition for this video is far different from her video to Emma.

 

Elliot crawls off the couch and places himself right in front of the screen.

 

“I couldn’t be more proud of you, kid. You’re kindhearted, fun loving, and one of the most compassionate boys I know. You and your sister mean the world to your Momma and I, and I can’t imagine life without you.”

 

Hope clears her throat.

 

“If you take away anything from this video, anything at all, I just want to assure you that _you’re going to be just fine_. I know you may not believe that right now, and that this rough patch isn’t quite over, but it’s going to be okay. Trust me, Elliot.”

 

“You may be feeling things that you’re not sure how to even describe, but that’s okay. Sometimes we can’t explain things, especially when things are bad, but I do know that if you’re honest with yourself and try to express yourself, you’d be surprised at what you’ll discover…Again, I know things are hard right now, but I want you to- I need you to- hold on to everything good around you. Don’t push your friends away or your sister or your Momma- I’m counting on you to take care of them. But please, for crying out loud, don’t push away soccer.”

 

I can see Elliot’s figure tense.

 

“You have a gift, Elliot. You were born to play soccer…just like your Momma and I. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Even when others don’t believe in you, I do. Buddy, I know I’m not physically around anymore, but I swear I’ll be with you every game of soccer that you play. I’ll be cheering hard when you hoist your world cup trophy in the years to come.”

 

Hope laughs, wiping her tears away in discretion.

 

“Buddy, I’m so proud of you…you are my everything. I miss you and I love you so much.”

 

Hope’s voice fades and the video comes to a close. Elliot begins to shake his head, “No…no…Mommy, don’t go.”

 

I find the strength to crawl over next to him, holding him close. Elliot grips onto my shirt, throwing himself on me as he sobs, “I miss Mommy so much.”

 

“Me too, bud, me too.” I whisper softly into his hair.

 

-

 

The video works.

 

Weeks later and I’m standing on the sidelines of a field, ready to watch Elliot start in his first game of the year. Once warmups are over, I pull him aside, noticing the anxiety on his face.

 

“You’re going to be great, I know it.” I comfort him.

 

He looks up at me, his voice trembling, “I…I don’t know if I can do it.”

 

“Yes, you can. Even if the outcome isn’t what you want, just remember that you’re playing for the love of the game.”

 

Elliot still looks at me unconvinced. I kneel down, pulling a box out of my handbag. I softly announce, “I have a little something for you before you go out there.”

 

Elliot gently takes the box from my hands and opens it to reveal a pair of new goalie gloves. Inscribed on one is _Hope_ , the other, _Solo_. I smile at him, “These are to remind you that Mom is always by your side.”

 

My son’s speechless and puts on the gloves in silence. He looks up at me with a twinkle in his eyes, “Thanks, Momma.”

 

“Now go get ‘em!” I send him off.

 

The game is a close one. It stays tied for all of the second half and I can tell Elliot’s team is getting tired, allowing for more chances on goal. I see one of the other forwards run down the field, him alone versus Elliot. I know this would be close and I don’t want to look, but before I get the chance to turn away, I see Elliot dive to make a last minute save. His teammates rush to him and out of all the commotion, I see him press his lips to his gloves. God, that boy has my heart.

 

After the final whistle, Elliot runs to the stands to greet everyone who came to watch him, including his favorite Aunty Carli. He eventually makes his way to me, a new sparkle in his eyes.

 

“She was there, Momma! She was there in goal with me?”

 

I bite my lip and swallow back tears. I croak out a, “Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.” He nods violently, “I just knew she was…I could feel her.”

 

I hug him close and look up to the clouds above, a gesture I’ve found myself doing a lot these days. I whisper softly,

 

“I hope you heard that, Hope.”

 

Later that day, I realize that Elliot’s on the path to healing fully. I also realize that the day wasn’t significant just because of him stepping out of the field again.

 

That night, Elliot sleeps on his own for the first time in months.

 


	18. Video Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memories.

 

I can’t stop laughing.

 

For the last half hour, I’ve been listening to Hope ramble on and on about the most random moments the two of us have experienced together. The two of us are quite the riot, you know.

 

She’s weak and hardly recognizable now, but the never fading sparkle in her eyes and the passion in her voice makes me feel like she hasn’t been wracked with disease, like nothing’s changed. It’s just the two of us having a conversation. Just like old times.

 

It’s nice.

 

Hope’s eyes continue sparkle as she exclaims, “Oh, wait! Oh my god, Kell, do you remember the first time we ever went hiking together?”

 

Oh, do I remember that day clearly.

-

 

_Hope stumbled through the doorway with three full bags from REI. Kelley looked up from her place on the couch and raised an eyebrow._

_“Whatchya got there?”_

_Hope grinned as she began to take the various items out of the bags._

_“Oh no, which one of your grand ideas is this now?”_

_“I’ve decided we should take up hiking.”_

_“We?” Kelley asked in surprise._

_“Yeah, don’t even try to escape this, O’Hara.”_

_“Hey, I never objected, did I? I love hiking.”_

_“Good.” Hope replied before holding up two bundles of rope, “Okay, so which one do you think we should take?”_

_Kelley raised her brows even higher, “Rope? Hope, why on earth would we need that?”_

_“Well first off, it never hurts to be extra prepared. Secondly, this will come in handy when we need to repel.”_

_Kelley’s eyes widened, “Repel? I thought we were hiking, not rock climbing.”_

_“There’s not much rock climbing involved really, it’s mostly when we get to mile eight.”_

_“Mile eight?!” Kelley immediately exclaimed, “Hope, what kind of hike is this?”_

_Hope quickly dug around in her purse before pulling out a large book with the title “The Spontaneous Adventurer” plastered in huge letters on the front._

_Kelley muttered to herself, “Oh this should be good.”_

_Hope sat down on the couch next to Kelley and began flipping through the book, “So I’ve been reading this book and it made me realize the lack of spontaneity in our life.”_

_“Excuse you! I am very spontaneous, thank you very much!” Kelley scoffed in offense._

_Hope rolled her eyes and continue, “Well, we aren’t spontaneous enough! We’re so used to our routine with the national team that we’ve forgotten what it’s like to go on other adventures…like hiking, per se. I used to love hiking as a kid, but still feel like we haven’t explored some of the greatest trails that the Pacific Northwest has to offer. There’s this one hike I’ve been dying to go on. Look.”_

_Kelley quickly took ahold of the book, her eyes widening as she read on. “Hope, you can’t be serious. This hike is 14 miles long, rated five stars in difficulty, and the equipment list includes a harness and four different types of carabineers. What the hell is a carabineer?!”_

_“That’s why I went to the store to pick up some stuff!” Hope pointed back at the bags full of hiking gear._

_“I mean, I guess this could be fun…I’m always up for an adventure anyways.”_

_“That’s the spirit!” Hope smiled._

_Kelley scanned the page in front of her again and murmured, “Are you we even certified for this kind of stuff?”_

_“Oh, it can’t be that hard, right?” Hope shrugged her concern off._

-

 

“Memories.” Hope interrupted my thoughts before continuing, “That’s all you have left now, Kell. Of course I’d rather be with you right now, but at least we’ve created these memories together.”

 

 _But we could’ve created a lifetime of memories,_ I think to myself.

 

“Hold on to every single one of them- the good ones and the bad ones. Those memories define our relationship and I wouldn’t change them one bit. We’ve had some crazy adventures together, haven’t we?”

 

Crazy can’t even begin to do our adventures any justice.

 

-

 

_Kelley was panting by the time they reached the first peak of their hike. She sat down on a rock in exhaustion._

_“Wow, isn’t this beautiful?” Hope looked over the view, placing both hands on her hips like the spontaneous adventurer that she had suddenly become._

_“I think I’m dying.”_

_“Stand up, Kell, you’re missing the view. This was totally worth it.”_

_“Hold on, give me a minute…” Kelley sighed as she took a long sip out of her water bottle._

_“Geez, Dawn would be so disappointed in you right now.” Hope teased._

_“Hey! That was seven miles of uphill rocky terrain!” Kelley muttered to herself, “I can’t believe we’re only halfway.”_

_The duo ate their lunch atop of the peak before they readied themselves for the second leg of their trip._

_“Alright, you ready, Kell?”_

_“Well, I don’t really have another option do I?” Kelley huffed as she stood up._

_“Okay, so I’m not entirely sure where to go from here. I know we walk that ways a little bit, but I forget if we turn right or left. Can you hand me the book?” Hope looked off into the distance._

_Kelley stuttered, “Wh…what do you mean you don’t know where you’re going?”_

_“Calm down, Kell, we’ll be fine. Just give me my book.” Hope extended her arm, waiting patiently._

_All the color drained from Kelley’s face as she murmured, “I…I don’t have it.”_

_“What?”_

_“I took it out.”_

_Panic now filled Hope’s face. “You took it out?!”_

_“It was heavy! I didn’t think you needed it!” Kelley reasoned._

_Hope exclaimed in disbelief, “That was our MAP, Kelley! Why on earth would you leave that at home?!”_

_“I thought you knew what you were doing!”_

_“Yes, with a map, of course!” Hope shook her head, “Oh my god, this isn’t happening.”_

_“Hey…it’ll be okay. We’ll just go back the way we came. It’ll be fine, right?” Kelley asked nervously._

_“We can’t just go back the way we came- the trail isn’t meant to be hiked in that direction! I can’t believe you left behind my book!”_

_“You should’ve told me it was important!”_

_“IT WAS OUR MAP, KELLEY!” Hope threw her hands up in the air before pacing back and forth, trying her best to think of another solution._

_Kelley murmured, “Are we…are we going to die out here?”_

_Hope rolled her eyes and yanked Kelley from her place on a stump, “Come on, amateur, let’s go.”_

_“I thought we didn’t have…”_

_“We don’t!”_

_“Then why are we…”_

_“Well we’ve got a 50% chance of going in the right direction. Now come on before it gets dark!” Hope tugged on the younger woman, who groaned as she trudged behind, praying to God that the odds were in their favor._

-

 

“With all that being said,” Hope continued, “I need you to move on.”

 

Move on? What did Hope have up her sleeve now?

 

“I want you to keep going on adventures. I want you to keep on making memories…and I don’t want you doing that alone. You’re young and beautiful, Kell. Anyone would be more than lucky to get to know you better and…you know.” Hope sighed, not wanting to be explicit.

 

I’m not liking where this is heading.

 

“Kelley, I want you to find someone who will make you as happy as you made me.” Hope did her best to smile.

 

I shake my head.

 

I don't know if I want to do that. 

 

I don’t know if I _can_ do that.

 


	19. Begin Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting to reach the end of this story...thanks for keeping up with it!

I’m a little ticked off, if you want to hear the truth.

 

I haven’t moved from my place on the couch for a good hour now. I can’t believe it. How could she ask this of me? I didn’t see this one coming- I mean, of course I knew I’d have to face this idea eventually, but I didn’t think she would be the one to bring this up, and so soon. I bury my head in my hands until I’m startled by a hand on my shoulder. I look up.

 

“Gosh, you scared me.”

 

“Sorry.” Carli apologizes. She’s around so often that I’ve given her a key now, but I’m still not used to her sneaking up on me.

 

After a few minutes of silence, I hear Carli’s quiet voice, “It was the video where she told you to find someone else, wasn’t it?”

 

I meet Carli’s sympathetic eyes and I feel a tear escape, “How can she even ask me to do that?”

 

“I don’t know…”

 

“I know she wants me to be happy, and I am, I really am trying to heal…but I just don’t…I can’t.”

 

“You know, I didn’t agree about this at first either…we fought about it for a little, actually.” Carli admits. I acknowledge for her to keep talking, “I told her that you two belong to each other and to no one else. I hated the fact that she was even thinking about this. But Kell, Hope had some good points.”

 

“Such as?”

 

“The kids…”

 

“No, she’s their mom.” I immediately object.

 

“And she’ll always be their mom. But Kell, realistically, you have to think about the kids and the many years ahead of raising them. You can’t do it alone.”

 

“I…I have support though. I have my family, I have you, I have the team…”

 

“Yeah, you do.” Carli reassures me, but continues, “But none of us are around as much as we should be. Elliot and Emma need more constants in their life.”

 

I don’t like what Carli’s saying, but I know she’s making a good point. I sigh, “Okay…but what about me? I don’t think I can do it.”

 

“Sure you can. You’re Kelley O’Hara. You got Hope Solo to fall in love with you.”

 

I smile weakly, but then reply, “B…but there’s no one like her. You know that. We were made each other, and frankly I don’t see me loving someone else as much as I love Hope. It was instant. With Hope, I just _knew_.”

 

“Well, maybe this time will be different. Maybe you won’t know it right off the bat. Maybe it’ll take some time. Kelley, I don’t think Hope wants you to fall in love in a heartbeat, but I think she just wants you to be open it.”

 

I nod slowly. What Carli’s saying is true. I’ve been so caught up with hating the fact that Hope could even think about this that I haven’t truly understood her. I guess I just need to keep my options open.

 

Carli sighs, “And Kell, you’re going to get lonely.”

 

“I have the kids.”

 

“Not the same thing.” Carli looks me in the eye, “Hope has a plan for you guys. You just have to believe that.”

 

I think of all the videos again and I shake my head, thinking to myself, _Alright Hope, I trust you._

-

 

After weeks of not giving anymore thought to the previous video, the trust I place in Hope hits me.

 

Literally.

 

I’m out on my morning run when I decide to try out a different trail. It’s raining and the usual trail I run on tends to get muddy, so I opt for a run through the neighborhood instead. I turn a sharp corner when I bump into an innocent bystander texting on her phone, knocking her to the ground.

 

I come to a stop and apologize, “Oh gosh, I’m so sorry…I didn’t see you.”

 

The woman is on the ground wincing, still gripping her phone. “God damn it.”  

 

“I’m sorry.” I repeat.

 

“Watch where you’re going.”

 

The annoyance in her tone of voice bothers me, “Me? Well, I’m sorry that you’re too busy looking at your phone to take in your surroundings.”

 

“Don’t you dare tell me what…” The woman begins to shout at me, but as she gets up from the ground, she slips and lands in a puddle next to us. She’s completely soaked now and the expression on her face is priceless. My eyes widen as she looks up at me, narrowing her eyes and clenching on her jaw.

 

I feel the corners of my mouth turn upward, and as much as I try to hide it, she notices. “What the hell are you laughing at?”

 

“You’re clenching your jaw.” I think of Hope and all the times I’ve seen the same expression on her face whenever I’ve done something stupid. I only laugh more.

 

“So? That’s what people do when they’re pissed…” The woman looks down at herself and realizing the ridiculousness of the situation, she begins to laugh herself. I guess my laugh is contagious.

 

I smile and offer a hand, “Come on.”

 

“Thanks.” The woman mumbles and looks at me closely. “Oh my god, I know you.”

 

“Uh, you do?” I clear my throat. Well this is awkward.

 

“Yeah, yeah…I knew you were familiar. You’re the girl who gets a hazelnut Americano at the coffee shop on Pike, aren’t you? You order it every morning…guess I can’t be mad at you if you have good taste in coffee.”

 

 _Is she flirting?_ I shake off my nerves and reply confidently, “Well that’s a little embarrassing…”

 

“Don’t worry, I’m there as much as you are. How do you think I know this?”

 

“True, true.”

 

The woman smiles and says goodbye, “Well, enjoy your run- and try not to run over anyone else.” She walks off.

 

I begin to jog away again and then my mind drifts back to her expression when I knocked her down, the clenched jaw, and to Hope’s video. I don’t know what possesses me, but I turn around quickly. I run faster and call after her.

 

“Hey, wait!”

 

The woman turns around again, and this time I take her in fully. Tall brunette, bright blue eyes. This can’t be happening. “Yeah?”

 

“Maybe we…uhm, maybe we could grab coffee sometime?”

 

The woman raises her eyebrow at my boldness and I almost regret asking her, but she nods, “Alright. I’ll see you tomorrow morning…at our usual spot.” She winks before walking off for a second time.

 

I find myself smiling and cringing at the same time.

 

 _Our usual spot_. The woman’s voice echoes in my head.

 

The coffee shop on Pike.

 

The same place where we’d run to and order hazelnut Americanos every morning.

 

Mine and Hope’s.

 

That would always be our spot, a constant in my life.

 

But hey, I guess it wasn’t a bad place for something new to begin again either.

 

 


	20. Video Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, folks, the final chapter. I will post an epilogue before I truly finish the story.

The last video.

 

Carli had warned me days ago that there wasn’t anything after this, so I’ve been saving it until I felt like it was the right time. Thing is, there’s never going to be a right time. I’m always going to want to see her smile and hear her beautiful laugh. So here I am, sitting on the couch with a remote in my hand.

 

Here we go, Hope. One last time.

 

“You made it, Kell.”

 

_Did I though? Did I really?_

“So, I’m really hoping this all worked out…or else this could be slightly uncomfortable, now wouldn’t it?” Hope chuckles softly, pausing to cough and catch her breath again.

 

“There’s so much more I’d love to say to you, but I don’t think there’s enough time left. I mean, as you can see, I don’t have much energy left either. I do believe we’ve covered everything I had originally planned on. This is it, Kell.”

 

Hope smiles weakly, closing her eyes- she did that a lot towards the end, like she was soaking up life as much as she could.

 

I hated when she did that. Because that meant I was slowly losing her.

-

 

_The doctor explained how often times, when it was time, people would get one last surge of energy. Though neither Hope nor Kelley believed it, they found it to be very true in the last month._

_“I want to go, Kell.”_

_Kelley looked at Hope with sympathy and concern, “I know you do, but I don’t think sitting among a loud crowd of people for two hours outside is going to do you much good.”_

_“Well, I don’t think anything lately is doing me much good.” Hope replied bitterly, but felt her expression soften as she realized the impact of her statement. She turned back to Kelley, who was clearly having just as hard of a time. She sighed, “I’m sorry…I didn’t mean for…”_

_“It’s alright.” Kelley murmured._

_Hope begged once more, “Kell, really, I feel really good today. I’m fine.” To prove her point, she got up out of bed._

_Kelley couldn’t say no, so she gave in, “Fine, but dress warm and if it gets too much, just let me know.”_

_Hope, Kelley, and Emma soon found themselves sitting in the bleacher section of Elliot’s soccer game. To Kelley’s surprise, Hope was quite energetic and almost seemed like her old self again. She cheered loudly whenever the ball approached goal and would shake her fist at the refs whenever they called a foul on her son’s team. Kelley, too, got into it, but most of the time she just shook her head incredulously at the love of her life. After the game, Elliot ran over and Hope scooped him up into her arms, completely ignoring Kelley’s protest._

_Elliot wrapped his arms around his mother’s neck, whispering, “I’m glad you could come today.”_

_Hope smiled and kissed the side of his head, “I wouldn’t have missed it for the world…come on, let’s step onto the field together.”_

_Kelley nodded, giving Hope permission to do so and knowing exactly what she was thinking. The two women shared a look before swallowing back their tears._

_It was the last time Hope would ever be on a field again._

-

 

I’m shaking with sobs. Sure I’ve cried numerous times before, but this felt different. This crying shook me to my core and made my body feel numb and tingly all at the same time. With every crack in Hope’s voice, I couldn’t help but let out another sob.

 

Soon, Hope was in tears as she looked endearingly into the screen- at me- once more.

 

“Kell, you are my everything. I cannot express how lucky I am that you found your way into my life. You are my best decision and I regret absolutely nothing. You are gorgeous, funny, smart…god, I can’t even begin to describe you. You’re all around amazing and I find comfort knowing that my kids have a mother like you.”

 

Hope takes a deep breath, her voice still trembling as she repeated,

 

“This is it, Kell…this is the last time I’ll get to talk to you, but I promise you- you _will_ be okay. I love you, Kelley O’Hara. Always have and always will. _I love you_.”

 

-

 

_Her breaths had gotten shallower and the days had gotten excruciatingly longer. But Kelley didn’t mind. She’d take every second she could._

_It was just the two of them when it happened._

_Kelley refused to leave the room, her hands cupping those of Hope’s and her head buried into the keeper’s chest. They laid together as if they were one._

_“I love you.”_

_That’s all Hope would say lately. She barely had the energy to say anything else, but she needed to let those closest to her know how much they meant to her._

_Kelley refused to say it back. She felt like if she did, she’d be giving into Hope’s disease. But at the same time, the world felt like it was crashing around her. She hadn’t said those three words in so long._

_They laid together well into the night until Kelley felt Hope squeeze her hand. Surprised by the gesture, Kelley propped herself up in bed and looked directly at Hope, who weakly opened her eyes. Hope’s eyes spoke for her- she was ready._

_Kelley shook her head, “No, don’t you dare say it.”_

_Hope whispered one last time, “Kelley, I love you.”_

_“No. Stop it…don’t leave me.”_

_Kelley felt the room go quiet in a way it never had before. She gripped Hope’s hand._

_“Hope? Don’t you dare leave me. It’s not time yet.” Kelley’s tears were out of control as she cursed under her breath, “Damn it…it’s not your time yet. You’re not ready. I’m not ready.”_

_Kelley laid back down, her head pressed against Hope’s chest and her mind searching desperately for the steady rhythmic beat that was no longer existent anymore. Her cries got louder and the swearing became more frequent. It was enough for her family to check on them both and once they saw the sight before them, they were heartbroken as well. Carli was the only one who could pry Kelley away, the only one who truly knew the long road ahead._

 

-

 

The video cuts off for the final time.

 

I sit and stare at the black screen before me until I find my voice. I finally whisper away the guilt I’ve felt all this time. I finally say what I should have said all those months before, and most especially, that very night.

 

“I love you too, Hope.”

 


	21. Epilogue: My Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was hope.

It’s been one year.

 

One year since I felt my heart break into two, an abyss apart.

 

One year since I lost the most important person in my life.

 

One year since I lost everything.

 

A lot has happened in that year, and most surprisingly, Hope had carried me it through it all. The sleepless nights, the waterfalls of tears, the numerous phone calls to Carli, the videos…they helped me move on.

 

They are the reason I’m still standing today.

 

Today, surrounded by all my friends and family, we celebrate Hope in a way that I haven’t been able to because I was too caught up in fixing my own life. I help Elliot lace up his cleats before bending down to lace up my own. After looking up, I feel the warmth and support from everyone around me. Everyone positions themselves on the field and I hold Elliot’s hand as we walk out together. We’ve decided to play a charity soccer game for the fans. I look up to the sky, close my eyes, and embrace the warm sunlight on my face. I murmur softly, _We’re going to be okay, Hope._

 

If you asked me one year ago, I’d say I wouldn’t have made it to today. But now, I know for a fact that I’m going to be just fine. You know why?

 

Because of that terrifying, serious, hard to love goalkeeper who for some strange reason, allowed me to love her.

 

That same goalkeeper who showed me what it means to actually _feel_ again.

 

To believe again.

 

To love again.

 

To hope again.

 

She had hope.  

 

Well, no-

 

She _was_ hope.

 

She just was. And she’ll always be.

 

_My Hope._

 

_-_

 

**fin.**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there you go. Goodness, that fic took a lot out of me (as much as I'm sure it took a lot out of you!) This was really challenging to write and I'm sorry for all the tears, but thank you for seeing it through with me. I do have another story that I'm working on, but not sure if many people are up for another Osolo fic...let me know if this sounds of interest to you!


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